Flower Power?

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about crotch pride. The conversation started, as most conversations about one’s crotch do, innocently enough. I asked my friend if anyone had ever complimented her bits. This woman, whose happy place is rather elaborately bejeweled making it a seemingly ripe candidate for a little verbal appreciation, had to think about it. She couldn’t remember any specific comments beyond some registering of delight and surprise at her hardware. It got me to thinking that it’s no wonder so many of us – both men and women -- are self conscious, insecure or even embarrassed about our nether regions. Not only do we struggle with a good moniker for our “treats” as one reader likes to call it, we obviously aren’t showing enough appreciation for each other “down there.”

Think about it. Imagine being intimate with someone and never paying him or her a compliment. You’d think that was pretty crummy right? But while a guy will happily tell a girl she’s pretty and a gal will tell her guy he’s a handsome studmuffin, have you ever told a guy he has a beautiful penis?

I paid a guy this compliment once and he looked at me with surprise. “Wow, no one’s ever told me that,” he said rather shyly. What a shame I thought, because it really was quite lovely, as it curved ever so delicately up his abdomen.

And sure, I’ve had guys say “nice pussy” in the heat of the moment, which is very sweet but heck, some guys get off sticking their thangs in vacuum cleaners so I don’t exactly trust this comment as a sign of discriminating taste.

Though taste does seem to be one of the few things women are more commonly complimented on, with “You taste salty and delicious/like honey/like a peach,” among the compliments women I spoke to have received.

Mind you, not all of us are so generous about accepting compliments. “Sometimes, women stiffen up when you tell them you like the way they taste,” one complimentary young man said. “They don’t want to be reminded that they have a taste at all.’

Which is understandable when there are people out there like the guy one woman told me about who gave it a lick and said, “Oh, I didn’t think it’d be so acidic.” Or the guy who gently suggested to another woman that she should “maybe take a shower.” Not everyone is even this subtle it seems. One woman told me a guy once said to her quite simply that her crotch “smelled.” “I slapped him,” she says.

Guys seem a little less sensitive about this than us gals. One guy had a woman tell him he smelled “whiffy” down there. He agreed and simply hopped in the shower and hosed himself down.

Another woman once had a man say to her, “Oh, we’re having a good vagina day” and went on to explain that she was perfectly trimmed, and had just the right amount of consistency, moisture and good flavour.

Charming, I suppose if wanna feel like your vagina is being reviewed for Bon Appetit.

Variations of “it looks like a beautiful flower” are popular. Personally I find the flower metaphor a little cheesy but some guys insist it does the trick. “I tell women it’s a wonderful, sweet-tasting flower that blooms when we make love and I am always amply rewarded,” said one fella. Right, the only thing cheesier than calling my pussy a flower is using the same compliment on different women.

Even still, it’s better than having a guy ask you to “hold back the bush, it’s getting in my eyes.” “I was mortified,” says the recipient of this delightful comment. “I’m blondish and don’t have much body hair. It couldn’t have been that bushy!”

Now people, this is what I’m talking about.How are we supposed to feel good about ourselves with this kind of nonsense going on out there?

Take a lesson from the woman told me she once told a guy that his cock was nicer than any dildo she’d ever seen because it was attached to him. “I told him that if it were a dildo I’d definitely pay more than 100 bucks for it.” His reaction was to use his “dildo” on her immediately.

You have to admit, this is much nicer than having someone you are about to get frisky with say to you, “Ack! Put it away!”

“I complied,” says the poor guy on the receiving end of this.

Like I said, we could stand to be a little kinder to each other’s privates. After all, you wouldn’t have dinner at someone’s house without thanking him or her for the meal, would you?