Sex Toys My Ex Took in the Breakup — And the Ones I Wish They Had

We divided the kitchen utensils with solemnity. They got the cast iron pan, I got the blender no one cleaned properly since the Obama administration. We pretended to be adults. Rational. Mature. But then I opened the bottom drawer of the nightstand — the one labeled “Do Not Open If Visiting Parents” — and realized: they took the good toys.

I don’t mean emotionally. I mean physically. The vibrating wand with the attachments. The remote-controlled couple’s vibe. The deluxe silicone plug that cost more than my monthly WiFi bill. Gone. No note. Just absence, like a sex-positive rapture had occurred and I was not among the chosen.

Breakup Law Is Fuzzy About Vibrators

There are rules in breakups. Take your clothes. Leave the toothbrush. Don’t text at 2am unless you’re dying or being held hostage by your feelings. But the rules get murky around toys.

Technically, most of the toys were “shared.” Meaning: purchased together, used together, stored in a drawer I bought but they deemed “community property.” But unlike vinyl records or bath towels, sex toys have bodily history. They’re intimate. Sentimental. Gross.

Still, they packed them up like stolen treasure. And honestly, I kind of respect it.

At first I was furious. Then I was horny. Then I was… oddly grateful. Because without them, I had to face a simple truth:

I didn’t actually like half the toys we owned. I just liked that we had them.

Inventory Isn’t Just for Kitchens

In the quiet aftermath of their departure (and after disinfecting the drawer, because I am not an animal), I took stock of what remained. A sad bullet vibe with weak batteries. A single strap-on harness with no compatible parts. A rogue cock ring I genuinely think came from a party gift bag in 2017.

It wasn’t just that they took the best toys — it’s that they left behind reminders of what we thought was working but wasn’t. The ones we bought during the “spice things up” phase. The ones that never really fit. The ones we faked enthusiasm for.

What I Replaced and What I Didn’t

Post-breakup, I had a choice: rebuild or reimagine. I could replace everything piece for piece, like a resentful IKEA order. Or I could start from scratch — choose toys that fit the current version of me, not the couple's compromise.

Toy Category	What They Took	What I Got Instead
Wand Vibe	Heavy-duty plug-in model with 5 heads	Rechargeable, quiet, sleek wand I don’t fear will kill me mid-session
Anal Plug	Bulky metal with sparkle	Soft silicone trainer set that fits me
Couple’s Toy	Wearable remote vibe with couple's app	Literally nothing. I’m not sharing anything with anyone for a long while
Bullet Vibe	The sad one with dying batteries	A waterproof, whisper-quiet model with three speeds and no lies

Buying new toys felt weirdly emotional. Like shopping for pillows after someone takes the good ones in the divorce. But it also felt empowering. I didn’t have to compromise anymore. I didn’t have to pretend I liked the novelty toy shaped like an eggplant.

I could pick toys for me.

The Ones I Wish They Had Taken

Honestly, if they’d taken these with them, I wouldn’t have fought it:

• The Finger Ring That Never Fit: Designed for dainty elfin hands, not these sausage fingers.
• The G-Spot Curve That Missed Every Time: Promised fireworks. Delivered disappointment.
• The App-Controlled Vibe That Needed WiFi: Nothing kills the mood like a Bluetooth error and a software update.

Why did I keep them? Sentiment. Shame. The belief that maybe I was the problem. That maybe next time it would be different.

But breakups are clarifying. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is throw a bad toy in the trash and move on with your life.

What I’ve Learned From the Drawer

The drawer doesn’t lie. It tells you what you thought pleasure meant. Who you bought it for. Who it was supposed to impress. Post-breakup, I realized I’d been curating a collection — not for me, but for us. And “us” was over.

So I started again. Slowly. Thoughtfully. One toy at a time.

Not Everything Has to Be Symbolic… But Sometimes It Is

I kept one thing from the old drawer — a tiny pink bullet vibe we got for free in a swag bag. It barely works. It has a single setting: “meh.” But I kept it because it reminds me that not everything in the drawer has to be amazing. Some things are just there to remind you how far you’ve come.

Or how far you’re willing to go now that no one’s hogging the wand.

The drawer is mine again. So is the pleasure. And if someone wants to borrow anything, they better bring their own WiFi connection and a receipt.