By Ashley Manta

Sexy time with a partner can be hard to come by sometimes. (Bad pun, sorry!) Seriously though, with partners who work, or one who works and one who manages the household, or kids, etc. etc., it can become difficult to find time for intimacy. So I encourage you to find time for sexy play whenever you can, even if it’s while you’re making breakfast/lunch/dinner/dessert.

Food play doesn’t have to be a fetish; it could just be a fun way to interact. So picture this: one partner is making dinner, let’s say spaghetti, and is stirring the pot of sauce on the stove. I’m assuming that you’re making sauce from scratch, because I’m Italian and that’s how we roll. If not, you’re still probably heating up the sauce on the stove, and perhaps adding a bit of red wine to enhance the flavor. Just a suggestion. So partner A is stirring the sauce and pulls out the wooden spoon to taste it, to make sure the flavor is just right. Perhaps partner B is standing nearby and asks for a taste. Voila! Instant opportunity! A quick kiss, licking sauce off the corner of the mouth, or possibly a mini food fight, and you’ve just had a nice sexy moment.

Sexy time doesn’t have to be long, drawn out, or planned. Frequent touching, kissing, or caressing throughout the day can do wonders to remind your partner just how much they love sexy time with you.

Here’s another idea. Who hates doing dishes? (Me!) So what if the dishes came with an incentive? For every minute it takes to do the dishes, that’s banking a minute of sexy time with your partner. And since you’re doing the dishes, you get to choose the activity. 10 minutes of dishes = 10 minutes of your partner going down on you? Sounds like fun to me! Or maybe 20 minutes of dishes = a 20 minute back massage. The possibilities are endless! Imagine fighting over who gets to do the dishes!

Then there’s the ever-popular human sundae. You pour chocolate sauce, whipped cream, honey, peanut butter, caramel (you get the idea) wherever you want your partner to lick. Pro tip - keep sugar out of the vagina - it’s a recipe for an infection that is anything but sexy. Use food as a road map for intimacy. When you’re baking, have your partner lick the icing/batter off your finger. The fingertips have tons of nerve endings, and it can be incredibly arousing.

A close friend of mine is an oncologist. She works long hours and has two young children. She and her husband are often pressed for time. She’s an excellent cook and spends a lot of time in the kitchen preparing meals for her family. I asked her how she finds time for intimacy with such a busy life and she said, “I put on Dora the Explorer for the kids and start making dinner. I know exactly how long the show lasts. My husband knows that when the show starts it’s time for fun!”

The most important thing is get creative and have fun! If sexy time isn’t playful, then what’s the point? A sense of humor is vital to a healthy sexual experience. Real people don’t fuck like porn stars—there are no flawless bodies or perfect sexual interactions. Some of the best advice I ever received was “enjoy the sex you’re having.” Don’t try to have the kind of sexual experience you think you’re “supposed” to have.

You’ll notice I’ve used the phrase “sexy time” instead of “sex” throughout this article. I think people naturally think of sex as intercourse, and I don’t want to limit the experience. Sexy time could include intercourse, oral stimulation, touching, rubbing, licking, caressing, kissing, cuddling, and all manner of other activities in which you and a partner choose to engage. The only limit is your imagination. Your partner’s body is a treasure map and there are lots of X’s!

Bon Appetit!

You may also like:

How To Use Food To Enhance Your Sex Life

Love & Chocolate

Mmm, Mmm, Good! Food In Bed And Other Good Places

By Jessica Washington

The dating game is not an easy one. It can be complicated, convoluted and downright confusing at times. Just as in any game, there are rules, regulations and violations that can get you ‘out’ - but what are they?

How do you find Mr. Right? What is the formula for dating? These are questions that many of us ask ourselves so I have a few pointers that will help you to navigate the unpredictable single landscape.

What Are You Looking For?

First, you have to establish what you’re looking for in a guy. While this may seem very easy at first, you might find it challenging as you attempt to clearly outline and identify what you will and won’t tolerate from a man- everything from how he treats his mother to if he smokes cigarettes. Once you’ve established this list, you’ll have a great foundation to work from in your search. Note: Don’t get too obsessed with this list and let it impede the opportunity for you to hit it off with a man, but rather use it as general parameters for who you’re willing to lend your precious time.

Define Guidelines

Set guidelines for yourself and others. Designate expectations for what you are looking for but also be sure to keep them realistic. Don’t cancel a man out because he didn’t open the door for you. Instead mention to him that certain chivalrous acts are something you expect from the person you’re dating. Then if he doesn’t take the hint, you can send him packing.

Bend But Don’t Break

Be flexible, but don’t go against your instincts. If you meet someone who has a lot of the qualities you are seeking, but a few key factors stick out that aren’t up to your expectations, don’t compromise too much. It’s completely okay to be flexible in a relationship, but bending over backwards too much can lead to you compromising some of the key components you’ve already set out, which will defeat the purpose of you outlining anything in the first place.

To Call Or Not To Call?

The million dollar question. Don’t you want to know the rationale behind the mind games men play when it comes time to make that first phone call? Let me tell you: there is no rationale. Every guy you encounter is going to have a different mindset of when it’s “too soon” to call the woman they’re courting. Some men like to make us wait…building anticipation and keeping us interested, while others will call right away which some women might read as being too aggressive or even desperate. The “calling game” is a complex one, but it’s best to be very clear and up front about what you expect and maybe even when you expect it. Don’t scare him away, but maybe casually allude to the fact that you’re expecting a call within the next few days, the week, etc. And if that’s not enough, just pick up the phone call him yourself!

Don’t Overthink Things

As women, we have a tendency to make many things that aren’t complicated, very complicated. Going with the flow can sometimes be the best advice as placing too many rules, regulations, guidelines, etc. can lead to anxiety and/or missing out on a potential mate due to unnecessary complexities. While it is still important to make it clear what you want in a relationship, try not to dismiss people out too soon because you might be nixing your diamond in the rough!

You may also like:

How To Make The Most Of A Dinner Date

Dating Accountability

Read Body Language

By Josie Brown

Spring is the season for new life. But loneliness after a recent break-up may leave you questioning whether you did the right thing by saying goodbye to him, in the hope of a new opportunity at love.

So, should you stand firm on your pledge to move on?

Most definitely, yes! In fact, don’t even think of crawling back to him until you’ve...

Put Yourself Out There, For Mr. Right To Find You

If you think he’s got X-ray vision and can spot you through the walls of your home while you sit there, waiting for the phone to ring, forget about it. Go out where you think he might show up. You don’t have to do it alone. Grab a few gal pals and go to a bar, a party, a reception, a play, or a ballgame. Remember, he won’t find you if he can’t see you.

Gone Out On At Least One Date A Week, For The Past Three Months

Just like Babe Ruth’s home run record grew by each time he went to bat, your relationship success rate increases with each date. Dating many, and often, gets rid of any feelings of desperation. It allows you to determine what you like and need in a relationship. It’s not about “settling.” It’s about finding the right person whose worthy of spending the rest of your life with you.

Said Yes, Even When You’ve Been Tempted To Say No

When some Mr. Not-So-Perfect calls, instead of coming up with an excuse to say pass, take him up on his offer to go out with him. No one, man or woman, is perfect. Seeing a guy in a setting he finds comfortable allows you to learn more about him. And if you like his humor and his laugh, all the more reason to say yes. (Many emotional benefits may follow…)

Gone Out With The Attitude Of “Let’s Have Gun” Versus “Let’s Fall In Love”

Forget whether he’s great date material. Your first step is to determine if Mr Maybe has good friend potential. As opposed to mere physical attraction, the best friendships grow and deepen, through similar likes, experiences, and trust. If your friendship can make it through the long haul, your opportunities with him are unlimited.

You may also like:

Dating After Your Break-Up: Are You Ready?

Cruising

Read Body Language

By Kellie Kamryn

Whether you are celebrating your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary or going on a first date, you want the night to be an enjoyable experience. No matter where you go or what you do, there are ways to make the most of your dinner date.

Communicate Beforehand

In any relationship whether it’s new or you’ve been together for a long time, making plans for a date can be the easy part. What you’re going to talk about while out on the date might be the most difficult.

In a new relationship, spend some time talking ahead of time via text, email, or telephone, getting to know each other a little better first. If you pay attention, you’ll have some handy topics to discuss when you’re out together. Perhaps a mention of a hobby can send you to the Internet to do a search to brush up on it before you meet.

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, observe their surroundings to see if they’re reading new material, listen to their gripes about work, or find out if they’ve done anything new recently. These small things can open up big discussions once you’re sitting across the table from each other.

Talk About The Kids

Experts have said to avoid the topic of children when out on a date. While you don’t want your entire evening to center on conversation around the kids in your life, this can be a good place to start.

Married couples can use this as a way to catch up on the busy week’s activities, sharing what the other might have missed their children doing. It’s a good way to reconnect by reminiscing about the birth of your child, the struggles you weathered together, laughing over your kids’ antics, and creating an opportunity to strengthen your unity as a couple by discussing discipline or other issues regarding parenting.

If it’s a first date or new relationship, and one or both of you have children, this can be a good opportunity to learn a little about the parenting style of the other. Sharing frustrations, and hopefully a few laughs, about being a single parent, can bring the two of you closer together, especially if you see potential for a long-term relationship.

Share Dreams, Goals And Passions

No matter how long you’ve known each other, you can always learn something new about your partner.

On a first date, or in a developing relationship, discussing whether or not you both like to travel, your career goals, and life passions are great ways to get to know each other. You might discover things you have in common or that you both enjoy. Perhaps the other person has a hobby you were thinking of taking up, but weren’t sure how to get into. It’s also the perfect opportunity to learn about something you didn’t know before.

With our significant others, our everyday lives can be extremely busy, and we don’t often take time out to discuss anything beyond what needs to be done around the house, bills, or transporting our children to and from activities. Talking about a hobby or activity you were thinking of taking up, or discussing a book, or a television documentary are great ways to reconnect on a different level. You might discover different thoughts your partner has on a subject which can bring on a lively discussion.

Use your date night as an opportunity to discover a goal or dream your partner has you didn’t realize before. This will renew your passion and appreciation for one another, bring the magic back into the relationship and help see each other with fresh eyes.  The more you learn, the better the chances are of making another date and doing something new together you’ll both enjoy.

Time And Attention

No matter what you do, or where you go, the greatest gift you can give to your partner is your time and attention.

Don’t answer texts or phone calls, unless your job requires you to be on call, you might be expecting the sitter to contact you, or a family emergency arises.

Make eye contact when the other person is speaking to you. Observe non-verbal communication. This will help you pick up on whether a topic is too sensitive, or inappropriate. You can learn a lot about a person as much by what they say as by what they don’t.

Listen as much as you speak. Nothing bores your date faster than when you do all the talking! Contribute to what the other person is saying without constantly interrupting. If a topic veers off in another direction, make an effort to bring it back to the original discussion if you feel your partner wasn’t finished his or her earlier thought.

Everyone wants to be acknowledged and feel as though they are worth your time and attention. Use first date jitters to fuel your excitement about meeting a new person. Imagine your long-term partner as someone you just met, and are excited to get to know all over again. And make the most of your dinner date!

You may also like:

What To Say On A First Date

10 Things You Should Know After The First Date

How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Kellie is a single mom of four, contemporary romance author and audio book narrator. You can visit with her at: www.kelliekamryn.com

By Kathryn Winslow

You:  Honey, could you watch the kids in the bath while I flip the laundry?

Him:  I was just about to go for a run.

You:  I haven’t exercised in five years.  Do you want to watch the kids or flip the laundry.

Him:  I want to go for a run.

You:  Well, I want a supportive, contributing partner, but I guess we can’t always have what we want - so watch the kids while I go do my eighth load of laundry of the day!!! (followed by multiple expletives)

We have some variation of this ridiculous fight – just like all parents of young children do – way too often. This is not a rareified space set aside for parents only.  We had plenty of these fights pre-kids.  It’s a cycle that is universal in couples. Neither of you are getting your needs met and you are both resentful with a capital R.  So how to stop the cycle?

I’ve been told countless times that couples need to schedule time for ourselves.  Separately and together. Well, with kids, that is not in the budget quite as often as we would like it to be.  Other sage advice I have received suggests that you need to have clearly defined domestic roles…but c’mon – there’s a lot of spill-over and there is no way to define and divide all the tasks and chores and responsibilities that there are. You are going to sweat the small stuff  - that’s just the way it goes sometimes….but there is a way to stop most of those fights before they begin.  Really and truly.  Here’s the worst/best part:  you already know how.  You already know exactly what it is.  Drumroll please.  Are you ready?

Give your partner what you are missing.  Appreciation!  Gratitude!  Accolades!  Genuflection! 

I can feel you gagging. I gag before I tell my partner how grateful I am for everything he does when it is clear to me that I do EVERYTHING!!!  But if I can take small moments throughout the day to acknowledge all that he does, I have to admit…he does do some stuff.  Okay, a lot of stuff.  And without him doing that stuff, we’d be sunk.  So I tell him. I tell him he completes me and that I’d be lost without him and all sorts of wildly romantic things that I would love to hear…and sometimes he says them back. And we just say thank you to each other a lot. A lot. Like ten times a day. “Thank you”  goes a long way.

Admittedly, I suffer from “Be Like Me!” syndrome. If only he could multitask like me! If only he could see how many things need to be done around the house!  If only he were more like me! But something I’ve learned is that he is like me. He needs the same thing I do. Acknowledgment and appreciation. So try it.  Do it right now. Text your partner and thank them for something.  Anything.  Even if there is a massive imbalance in your relationship and they are not pulling their weight and you are bitter and resentful…wrack your brain for the sake of the experiment!  Find something to thank them for.  And then do it again tonight.  And again the next day.  Hopefully they’ll get the hint and start doing it back.  And then guess what?  I guarantee you will fight a lot less.  Or your money back.

You may also like:

What Are You Really Fighting About?

How To Ask Your Man For What You Want

How To Avoid Nitpicking

By Dr. Dennis Neder

In the last article, Common Problems Men Face With Women, we explored a few of the most common problems men face with women. Let’s continue:

Inappropriate Behavior

You two are out with friends, with your boss over dinner, etc., and your girlfriend gets drunk, begins flirting, grabs your crotch, gets loud or just loose, etc. Regardless of the specifics, you’re starting to get embarrassed and angry. You have only a few choices here and most men choose the wrong one – anger.

I’m sure some of you are asking, “What kind of man would date a woman like this?” but, as mentioned in the previous article many women are prone to bouts of the crazies sometimes. This can happen particularly when some women are feeling ignored or neglected. Women know that they aren’t going to “motivate” you by brute force. So, they use other less obvious attention-getting methods.

I’ve actually had to remove myself and my date from a public place due to this very thing.

She Becomes Overbearing or Controlling

Your girl begins to “micro-manage” your every move. “Don’t wear that shirt”, “I want you here at exactly 6:30 – not a minute later”, “We are GOING to see the new Woody Allen movie”, etc. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t compromise. On the other hand, you shouldn’t be le
d around by the nose either.

Keep in mind that we’re talking about unreasonable control issues here – not unique and worthwhile perspectives. There are many times you should actually listen, but when it comes to second guessing everything you do or say or out-right control problems something needs to be said – and changed.

Here’s an important fact for men to understand: women rarely see you backing down as strategic or “diplomatic”. In fact, they more often interpret this as being cowardly and weak. That’s a very bad precedent to set because it’s near impossible to change once it sets in. Being a team means exactly that – working together. It’s not about control or imposition or being domineering or overbearing.

She Flirts With Other Men When She’s With You

If the two of you go out and she flirts with other men, you’ve got to feel like a jackass – in fact, you probably look like a jackass! I’ve heard some of my male friends say, “oh – she’s just outgoing”. Nonsense! You have the right to her attention and shouldn’t expect to have to share it with others; particularly when it’s overt. Consider this - if you’re the one some guy’s date is flirting with, are YOU above slipping her your number? Me either!

Obviously, the situation also plays a role here. If you and she are with her co-workers, she’d be better off not ignoring them. However, if she spends most of the night paying attention to the single guy from accounting or just “forgets” to introduce you to her friends, I’d suggest you get involved.

She Gets Violent

I actually had a girlfriend that was very, very sweet and demure – until you got her angry. Then, she turned violent. She tried to run me over in her car on two separate occasions, slashed the tires on my car and I actually woke up once to find her coming at me with a kitchen knife! Fortunately, I survived to be able to warn you in this article.

First I want to say clearly and without confusion – I DO NOT accept or promote violence from anyone for any reason. If either of you choose to deal with your problems with violence – get help and get out! This is not acceptable behavior for anyone under any circumstance!

Unfortunately, almost everyone believes that men are violent and women are victims. The statistics show otherwise however. Women inflict harm on their boyfriends and spouses at the same rates as men. Even more unfortunate, it’s very difficult for men to get help when they are victims. I know men that were actually arrested after calling the police because their girlfriends or wives attacked them! It’s unfortunate but your only real defense today is to just get the hell out of there – and never go back.

You Always Pay Or Provide Value Which Is Never Returned

When the two of you go out, you’re probably footing all or most of the bill. This often equates to $100 or more per date. In addition, she hasn’t cooked you a single meal, taken you anywhere, AND she has a job! I don’t know why men continue to think that they can buy their way into a woman’s pants. I constantly see men buying expensive gifts, taking women on expensive trips, even paying a woman’s bills. Men, you can’t spend enough to make her feel obliged to sleep with you. Stop this madness right now!

Any healthy relationship is based on give and take. This doesn’t mean that she should match you dollar for dollar (nor should you match her!) People that are in mutually beneficial relationships want to show the other person their caring and respect. They do this by being attentive, aware, and considerate and by bringing themselves to the relationship. You shouldn’t settle for anything less than this.

I continue to hear some women say, “Well, he should pay for everything – after all he’s getting me!” Sorry – she’s not worth it. Any woman with this attitude should be dumped immediately. If you’re in this type of relationship you’d better check your own self-esteem.

You’re Still Waiting to “Seal the Deal”

You’ve been going out with her for some time now (six months??) and she still isn’t ready to hit the sack with you, but you know that she’s been sexual with other boyfriends in the past. What’s going on here – is she a “born-again virgin?”

Most women know within 5 minutes of meeting you if they’re going to sleep with you or not. Of course, they’re probably not going to tell you this. To many women, sex means the achievement of connection, intimacy and commitment. Men instead use sex as a way to get to know a woman and begin the process of growing the relationship. However, too many men think that if they can just “hang in there” she’ll come around. Frankly, women soon begin to see these men as their buddies – not their lovers. Once you become the male friend, you’ll probably never be the boyfriend.

I recommend that men have their own “standards” in this; and every aspect of dating and relationships. What do you want? What do you need? You can’t impose your will on someone that doesn’t want the same things, but you can always go find someone else that does.

She Starts Moving In or “Marking her Territory” Without Discussion

This may start simply enough – her makeup kit, an overnight bag, etc. Then, she wants her own drawer, her own closet, she begins to redecorate your house with her things, she wants to change the tile in the bathroom and add seat covers, toilet-roll cozies that look like pink poodles, etc.

While I think it’s a good thing to have some of the supplies your girl needs at your place (and yours at hers too) unless you’re spending a lot of time there, she probably doesn’t need to replace your things with hers.

This goes along with marking the territory. I’ve had women (and actually quite a number of them!) leave strands of their hair in my car and around my house, spray my furniture with their perfume, mark my clean shirts with their lipstick and many other actions designed specifically to let any other girl know they were their first.

No, it’s not cute and you should feel free to say so!

In the last part of this article I’ll give you some simple, time-tested techniques to deal with these problems once and for all.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2013, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

You may also like:

Common Problems Men Face With Women

Dating Accountability

By Dr. Dennis Neder

She’s beautiful, sweet and the picture of your perfect woman. What could possibly go wrong? Plenty! Every relationship is loaded with unexpected drama, challenges and roadblocks. Some of these come about by accident, some on purpose.

Men face an almost unlimited number of problems in their relationships with women. Then, we often make things worse by committing simple, avoidable mistakes. Most of these mistakes occur because we’re not prepared to deal with the problems we are given. Being ready when they come is 90% of the battle.

In this 3-part series I’m going to explore some of these problems and (if you’re good!) maybe some ways to help deal with and manage them. You’re not going to ever have a problem-free relationship; and in fact, I’d never wish that on you anyway. When things are good, you’re never growing. It’s when things get challenging that all that (painful) improvement happens.

So, let’s get started with…

“Purposeful Drama”

You can think of this as “drama on purpose”. Why would someone create a relationship problem on purpose? This seems ridiculous to most men. However, women have learned their “dream man” can handle these problems – accidental or purposeful. When problems arise, you want to be the guy that deals with them quickly and effectively. If you don’t you’ll quickly fall into the “also ran” category.

Women create drama for a number of reasons: boredom, feeling insecure, needing attention, acting out unresolved tensions and yes, even fun! In fact, one of my clients told me specifically that creating drama (or “crazy-making”) was a form of recreation for her!

Dealing with drama is confusing to men. We don’t tend to be drama-oriented. Thus, we try to attack it like any other problem. The trick however is to “see through” the drama and to understand why it’s happening. What’s the root cause of this event? Why is this happening right here, right now?

Once you understand that you can go after and deal with the real problem – not the one that was artificially created! Women hate it when men don’t “listen” (their words – meaning “understand what she really wants and why she wants it”) and instead go right to trying to solve the problem.

She wants you to know that the source of the drama – not to try to fix it. Yes, I understand that seems like mind-reading and sometimes it is! The more you practice seeing through the drama to the real problem, the easier it gets – and the happier she’ll be! Soon, that purposeful drama fades away to nothing.

This Woman’s Crazy!

To men, all women seem crazy sometimes. In fairness, most women view men as crazy sometimes too! There is a fine line between a crazy event and a crazy person however. Even sane people do or say crazy things once in a while. The real trick is recognizing the difference!

I have an adage that I live by: I ignore any neurotic statement made by normal people and ANY statement made by neurotic people!

Know this: unless you’re a trained psychological professional, you’re not going to be able to save a crazy woman. If you are a professional, you’ll know better than to try! (You’d be far too close to the game to do any good.) In general, you’re better leaving this one alone and moving on.

Expected Monogamy

Most of the time, she will begin to see the two of you as a monogamous couple before you will. This is fine unless you just met “Ms. Stripper.” Further, this usually happens without any previous warning - no discussion, no agreement, just the expectation of monogamy. Now, you’re taken by surprise and don’t know what to do.

Where this takes a nasty turn is the instant she realizes you’re not on the same page. You’re not going to like the answer to this, but it’s pretty simple: communication. By being clear, specific and direct early on about your interests, you’ll avoid a lot of problems down the road.

Woman’s Games

Women have a special tool in their arsenal I call “The Test” that they use to evaluate a potential mate. I’ll discuss “The Test” in an upcoming article. Suffice it to say that men often misinterpret “The Test” as a game. It really is a type of game – but with a very important outcome.

How you deal with The Test may determine the outcome of your relationship. At the very least, it will set the tone and direction from this point on.
Outside of this critical relationship-based event (and trust me on this: you will be tested!) there are many other games women play.

You see, women know they aren’t going to get you to do what they want through brute-force. Instead, they’ve evolved a complicated system of tools to make things happen. These are so ingrained in the female psyche by the way that most women don’t even know they’re doing these things!

Ex-Husbands And Boyfriends

You’ve been dating this woman for a few months, and all of a sudden her ex is back in the picture. If she has children, you may have no other option but to deal with their father. On the other hand, if she is childless, why is the ex hanging around? You have the right to grow your relationship with her without undue influence or competition.

Keep in mind that women rarely go looking for additional confusion like this unless they aren’t getting what they need. This should be a sign to step-up your game.

Unexpected Stop-by’s

There you are, enjoying the game with your buddies when the doorbell rings. You answer and it’s her – the girl you just started dating. You weren’t ready to introduce her to your friends yet, but here she is! Now, you’ve got a problem. If you let her in, you’re going to appear controlled by her to your friends, (this is often the goal!) If you send her away, won’t she be angry? Heads up: your friends have the right to your time and attention just like your new gal.

Even worse, your friends have no idea what the situation between you and the new girl is. Thus, they’re going to be overly polite and will likely even take her side if she draws them into things.

What I do is this: I invite her in specifically to say “hello” and then to leave so I can call her later. I’ll say to my friends, “This is Karen. She’s not staying but just wanted to say hello.” This tells everyone what’s going on. I’ll then say to her, “Thanks for coming over. I’ll call you later.” And then walk her back to the door.

When The Rules Change

Everything was going great. You’ve been dating for a few months, the sex is terrific, and you’ve even introduced her to your friends. Now, she calls and tells you that she thinks you both should date other people.

Or, you’ve always exchanged telephone calls and texts. Now, you’ve called her twice and texted her but she won’t return the calls. However, everything else is going fine! What’s up?

Or, you’ve been dating for about 6 months and when you first got together, you were banging it out every night. Now, you’re down to once or twice a month or less and you’re getting more and more frustrated!

Obviously something’s up and you need to address it. (Again, communication). If she won’t return your calls or texts, it may be impossible to do that. In a case like that I recommend you send her one more text indicating it will be your last and if you don’t hear from her you’ll consider yourself free.

In other cases the most common problem is simply that guys don’t realize they have rights – not just responsibilities – in relationships! I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve talked to who spend all their time dealing with their girlfriends’ or wives’ rights only to ignore their own!

This often comes down to having basic “standards” for yourself. Knowing what you want and what you expect becomes the foundation of not only keeping your own rights but in managing these rule changes.

For example, if the sex drops off in your relationship and you’re not happy with it (and why would you be?) it’s something that needs to be dealt with. Why is it happening? You don’t have to just tolerate it and put on that stupid grin you use! Is it a health problem? Is it emotional? The source of this problem can be easily handled if so. If not and it’s a performance or quality issue you have a different situation on your hands. This is where your rights come into play.

I had a guy contact me once because his wife of 11 years decided that she was going to become celibate (I kid you not!) and wanted to know what to do.
I explained to him about his rights and told him to talk to his wife with that new concept. If she chose to be celibate there wasn’t much he could do for her, but that didn’t mean he had to be celibate along with her! She was also going to have to understand that if he met someone else and fell in love that she would bear the burden of the divorce – not him. That turned things around pretty quickly!

In the next articles we’ll look at a few other types of problems men face and how to handle them.

You may also like:

Dating Accountability

------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2013, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

By Dani Alpert

Living with another person, whether it be a college roommate or your life mate, can be contentious and will most certainly be fraught with negotiations and compromises. Who requires their privacy when going to the bathroom? Which one needs to mediate, alone, in the dark, before tackling the day? Of the two, who welcomes separate vacations? Me. Me. And me.

There is a difference between living with someone when you’re in your 20’s and cohabiting when you’re in your 40’s. When you’re younger, you have a substantially greater tolerance for, well, just about everything and anything. However, as you get older, you have developed patterns, routines, and habits. You have cemented your like’s, dislikes and preferences, so that having to change any of them can be unbearable and sometimes, nearly impossible.

What’s the alternative; live alone for the rest of your life? Why not? Trust me, I have seriously contemplated this but I fell in love and I believed that the positive aspects of shacking up would outweigh any of the potential negatives.

I lived alone for nine years before moving in with my lover. Let me say that my habits, idiosyncrasies, and yes, peccadilloes, were fully developed. For example, quiet time is very important to me. My lover, however, can work and sleep even if there were a marching band playing in the room. A typical conversation in our house goes something like this.

ME: “Can you turn the television down?”

HIM: “It’s already low.”

ME: “Just not low enough.”

HIM: “Only dogs and dolphins can hear at this volume.”

ME: “What’s your point?”

How much privacy do you and your lover require? I am in no way a prude, but when it comes to hygiene and all that it encompasses, I prefer to work my magic behind closed doors. When we designed our house, my lover thought that it would be cool to have one big suite that included the master bedroom and the master bath. No doors. If I was laying in bed, I could simultaneously watch the Today Show, and my lover take a shower. I was against the design because as erotic as it may be to watch him take a shower, I also didn’t want to watch him trim his nose hairs, shave his pubes or wipe his ass.

He didn’t want a door closing off the toilet either. Maybe that’s how it’s done in Portugal (he’s Portuguese) but here in the United States, we Americans generally like to piss and crap in private. If I’m wrong about this, please let me know. We put in a pocket door, which he never slides shut, so the subject is moot.

Perhaps it is a man thing, (or a caveman thing) but closing the bathroom door was not in his repertoire. It used to be cute that he wanted to be ‘that’ close to me but then it was just crass. Where’s the mystery and sexy-ness in this? It is a fine line between feeling comfortable enough with your partner, that you can sit on the toilet in front of him, and basic manners and consideration for the other person. I prefer not to share everything.

The question of alone time and how much a person needs and wants can be a bone of contention. I live for my alone time. I get excited when my lover is away for the night. Stints of separation is healthy for a relationship. I know people who do not need nor want to be alone. I don’t hang out with these people. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Of course separation could also lead to, ‘out of sight out of mind’, but I’m a romantic, so I’m going to focus on the former.

When my lover is away, I eat breakfast food for dinner, standing in the kitchen, while leaning against the sink. There’s no one asking me questions about why, or suggesting that I sit down. It is my time, my style and my space.

My lover and I both work from home and he is adamant about having lunch together. I have never understood this but I have learned to acquiesce because I know it means something to him. I’ll do it, but I’m judging the shit out of it in my head.

Can we live harmoniously with another human being, even though some of our lifestyle requirements differ? I think that we all have the capability for behavior modification. It’s a cliche but communication is everything. We come to a relationship with a history, preferences and baggage. Unfortunately the bags do not get unpacked until it’s too late and you find yourself flossing in the bathroom, while your partner thinks nothing of walking in and taking a crap (sorry, no other way to say it) -- door open, oblivious to your presence. This is the perfect time to have a roommate meeting.
After three years, and a lot of nudging, now when I ask my lover to close the bathroom door, he will. He’s even found the air freshener spray. There is a god.

You may also like:

What Are You Hiding?

How To Ask Your Man For What You Want

The Secret Behind Happy Couples

By Dr. Dennis Neder

These days, far too few people seem to understand that along with the benefits of dating (and yes, dating should be fun and beneficial!) there are responsibilities. In fact, most people simply ignore them altogether. But if you want to become a good dater – meaning you have good dating experiences –you’re going to have to accept and embrace the responsibilities along with the benefits.

The Chasm: What People Want And What People Do

Everyone wants to be treated courteously and respectfully. In fact, we demand it, but do you always give that back? Always?
The unfortunate reality is that most don’t – probably including you – whether you realize it or not.

It’s not that you’re a rude jackass (or maybe you are – I don’t know you). It’s that you likely don’t act in terms of courtesy toward others as a “standard”. Many people think of themselves as polite but make choices based on individual situations. We use a thing I call “situational ethics” to help us make these choices.

For example, if he doesn’t open her car door, she decides (often unconsciously) to not tell him he has something stuck in his teeth. She calls at the last minute to cancel a date so he calls one of her friends, etc.

None of these people think of themselves as “rude” despite doing something rude and inconsiderate. They justify the choice by feeling it was acceptable based on the current circumstances. Nowhere is this more prevalent than in online dating.

A Special Consideration For Online Dating

I have seen people do and say things to others they meet online that they’d never do or say if they had met in real life. There’s something about meeting online that throws a switch in your brain telling you the other person isn’t entirely real and thus, must not have real feelings or be due basic courtesy. They then go on to absolve themselves of that responsibility towards the person.

If you doubt this, just look at some of the comments you see on other websites in response to points made by someone, or just check out the “Hate Mail” section of my own website.

These people don’t feel any remorse whatsoever to say the mean, hurtful and cruel things they say because, well, these aren’t real people after all – they are just electronic images on computers floating around elsewhere in cyberspace.

It’s amazing to me just how much we do this with others without even realizing it. We simply don’t see that person we met electronically as “real” and thus, they aren’t due the same courtesy and respect of those we meet in real life.

Being A Citizen Of The Dating World

Nobody lives in a vacuum today – everyone is part of the “collective”. What’s great about that is that you get to choose how you want to live and at the same time to be seen (and yes, judged) by everyone else.

In order to do that well, you have to accept the responsibilities of the dating world and be accountable for them. The very best way to do this is to have those standards I mentioned earlier – where you always express courtesy and respect regardless of individual situations. Situational ethics really have no place in a modern collective, connected society.

That’s even truer of people who seem to be at a distance through the context of your smart phone or computer!

Responsibility And Accountability

The biggest lack of responsibility today seems to happen at two key points.

The first is when you realize that someone you’ve only dated once or just a few times isn’t the right person for you. The second is during the breakup of an actual relationship.

Few people realize that when you accept a date from someone or ask them on a date, you take on clear, specific responsibilities to that other person. One of those is to tell the other person that you aren’t interested in them, if indeed, you aren’t.

Early dating is all about posturing. We don’t know what level of interest the other person has in us so we don’t want to play our hands too early. Nobody wants to be the only person at the party! (Women are notoriously good at getting guys to expose their interests up-front by the way. I’ve written a great deal about this topic. They use a number of misdirection techniques to do this but this often works against them!)

The most common scenario involves going “underground”. The person who is not interested will simply stop returning phone calls or answering the phone. They don’t respond to texts, emails or Facebook posts. He or she hopes that the other person will just get the message and move on. This way, there’s no confrontation, questioning or stress for that person.

This doesn’t consider what happens to the other person however. That person who calls or (gasp!) texts to set up another date expects a response. “Is she/he just busy?” “Did they get my message?” “Should I keep the weekend open?” “Should I contact them again?” In fact, that person gets all the stress, and the person in hiding, if they have any sense of others at all, eventually begins to feel embarrassed and humiliated for being so inconsiderate.

This is a case where little things weigh a lot.

Breaking up has seemed to change a lot with the technology that has become more pervasive in our lives. There are many people who see nothing wrong with breaking up via email or (gasp again!) via texting.

There was a time when the “Dear John” letter was considered a coward’s way out of a relationship or marriage. A woman would end things via a letter – while he was away serving his country at war. The stigma in doing something like this was huge and that also made it rare.

Today, the stigma is all but gone. The “Dear John” email or text doesn’t carry the same heinousness it once did. When things get heated emotionally, many people feel entirely justified in doing these things and sometimes even feel clever about them. They shouldn’t feel either thing. In fact, it’s very selfish.

Another Way

If you are going to be a part of the adult dating/relationship world, you should be an adult. No surprise there. Adults have responsibilities – and not just to themselves, but to others as well.

Accepting or offering a date carries a responsibility to treat that other person with respect and courtesy. Simply disappearing or trying to dodge those responsibilities takes you out of the realm of “adult” and puts you squarely in the realm of “emotional child” regardless of your age.

So, what should you do?

First, have standards. Accept that you have responsibilities for others and that they have real, measurable feelings. Accept that your choices impact others and have the standards to strive for the best outcomes – not just the best for you, but for the other person as well.

Second, avoid technology to the best of your ability. Technology is a convenience when it’s appropriate, but it’s almost never appropriate in these situations. If someone was “good enough” to meet for a drink or dinner – or to be in an actual relationship with – they are good enough at least for a phone call, if not to be let down in person.

Third, be clear, direct and to the point. Don’t promise to “remain friends” as that’s just insulting to the other person. If you don’t feel a connection, realize that it’s not a crime. It just isn’t there or wasn’t what you hoped it would be. That doesn’t make you bad, it makes you present.

Fourth, get to it! Don’t wait for weeks or months to let someone down. You only prolong their confusion and sometimes, pain. You wouldn’t cut a dog’s tail off piece by piece would you? Of course not – so don’t try to do the “staged breakup” with someone either.

Yes, there are exceptions to these rules, but those exceptions are RARE. Too many people want to make every situation an exception or shrug off responsibility. If you’ve done that more than twice in the last few years, either you’re so self-absorbed as to not know any better or you’re too callous and self-involved to be dating in the first place.

You may also like:

Dating After Your Break-Up: Are You Ready?

Lessons In On-line Dating

The Psychology Of Texting

Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2013, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

By Nikki Leigh

Are you getting over a break up or just finalizing a divorce? Did you recently lose your partner through a break up or death? Each of these situations takes a toll on us mentally and emotionally. It can be tough to know when you’re ready to get back out there.

Physically you may want to start dating quickly, you may miss the companionship or the intimacy you had with your partner. Maybe you don’t like to be alone and want to connect with someone. There are so many reasons why you may want to start dating again, but you’re doing yourself and any potential date a disservice if you rush into dating before you’re really ready.

Here are some questions you should consider before starting to date again. Can you answer yes to each of these? In order for these questions to help you, you have to be completely honest with yourself. If you feel the need to stretch the truth about any of these questions – then the answer is NO.

•    Can you truthfully say that you are totally “over” your last relationship?

•    Are you able and will you avoid talking about your past relationship?

•    Do you have the confidence to approach someone you are interested in?

•    What qualities do you have to offer in a relationship?

•    What do you bring to the relationship? This is not about material possessions, what else do you bring, good and bad to a relationship?

•    What qualities do you want in the person you are looking for?

•    What do you want and need that person to bring to a relationship? Again, this is not about material possessions and money.

•    Will you compromise if the person doesn’t fit your ideal of “perfection”?

•    How far are you willing to compromise?

•    Do you enjoy and want to date and meet new people?

•    Are you comfortable or can you function in social settings?

Okay – let’s move on to the real nitty gritty topics.

•    If you have children, are they ready for you to start dating again?

•    If you have children, have you talked to them about bringing a new person into your life?

•    Are you in a position and ready to make a commitment to someone, if you find someone that you are interested in and they are interested in you?

•    Are you willing and able to fulfill their needs; mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually?

Last – and this is the most important question. If your answer to this is no, then you are not ready to be in a relationship. Do you love yourself unconditionally?

One of my main focuses as a love coach is to help clients overcome the things that keep them from loving themselves. If you have this issue – I can relate, there were many reasons why I didn’t like myself and certainly didn’t love myself. But while I was studying to be a love coach, I saw myself and others in a different way and I love to help other people learn to love themselves – just the way they are, even with all the imperfections. Think about this – how can you ask someone else to love you, when you don’t love yourself?

Nikki Leigh - Love and Relationship Coach

http://www.lovecoachjourney.com

You may also like:

Are You Over Your Ex?

How To Love

Do You Love Yourself?