My friend Tina should teach classes in the art of flirting. She has mastered the subtle toss of the hair, the more-than-friendly, yet less-than-overt, touch on the arm and can size a guy up and instantly determine whether to go with a sultry, smoky voice or an innocent schoolgirl voice. If she could bottle the alluring way she makes her eyes sparkle when she talks to someone with whom she’s flirting, she would be a millionaire. The funny thing is she claims to not realize she’s doing it. See, Tina’s been happily married for 8 years.
I’ve been known to chat up a cute cashier or banter with a bartender but, adoring wife that I am, I’m not sure whether I would call what I do flirting. If I truly thought I was, I’d have to ask myself the question: is it okay to flirt with someone else when you’re already in a committed relationship? Furthermore, considering Tina’s mastery of the flirt and the fact that there’s just no way she’s not aware she’s doing it, it begs the next question: why is she doing it?
Why do we eat chocolate? Why do we drink wine? Flirting, like chocolate and wine, has been shown in PET scans to excite the areas of the brain that release feel-good chemicals such as dopamine and beta-endorphins. Further studies show that when you are flirting and focused on someone, the connection through eye contact releases another warm and fuzzy hormone, oxytocin, also known as the ‘love’ hormone. In short, flirting physically feels good due to the very science of the brain.
In addition to those fun chemicals firing through your brain, flirting can also be a re-affirmation of your sexual ego and your feeling of attractiveness. It’s no secret that in a long-term committed relationship the honeymoon period with all its racing heartbeats and romance typically transforms into a more comfortable period marked by sweatpants and frozen pizza. Sure, there is a new joy in that kind of stability and connection with your partner, but I doubt your old sweats from college are releasing any endorphins in your partner’s brain. Getting a little reminder that you are still an attractive person can beef up your ego and inspire you to toss the old sweats and get a little bit of that Honeymoon back.
Is It OKAY?
I guess the real question here would be: to what level are you flirting? Is it just a wink and a smile here and there or do you entertain fantasies of actually acting on the flirt, particularly when things are not going well at home? Fun and games can quickly turn to sour grapes for your relationship when you let things go too far.
Another friend of mine, who I’ll call Rebecca, had an ‘innocent’ flirtation going on with a supervisor at work. It seemed to be going great for her, she looked forward to going to work, she started exercising so that she could buy cute new work clothes; she was generally in a great mood. At first, this overflowed into her home life and all was well.
Then…the business trip. Rebecca and her supervisor were asked to host a booth at a trade show far, far away from both of their spouses. This, unfortunately, coincided with a rough time financially that Rebecca and her husband were going through, which was adding to a little bit of stress in their relations at home. All it took was one too many cocktails after a ‘business dinner’ one night on the trip, and the flirting went a little too far. Perhaps needless to say, this misstep affected her professional life and her home life. While she did finally leave her job, she is still married and they have moved past the incident.
The moral of the story is that you must examine why you are flirting outside of your relationship and whether it’s something you can control. Another question you might ask yourself is how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? What if it was your partner who was flirting with a friend or co-worker? Or the cute girl who works at Trader Joe’s?
We’re only human, just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re blind to the attractiveness of other people. Cutting off that part of yourself can, in fact, lead to resentment in the relationship. The best way to combat the drama that could result from outside flirting is to have a firm grasp on the level and stability of commitment you share with your partner.
The bottom line is that it’s all about intentions. Flirting should not be a stand-in for communication with your own guy or gal. You and your partner should have a conversation about your relationship and talk about boundaries that are comfortable for both of you.
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This book explores the cheating triangle (those who cheat, those who have been cheated on, and secret lovers.) You will find out...
The first of April is the only day where cheating spouses, pregnancy scares, break-ups and termination notices are considered funny, or so they say. All year long people plot their ideal joke, which often consists of convincing, loved ones that unfortunate real life events have taken place, such as your boyfriend or girlfriend was just caught red handed in the act of cheating. The funny part is supposed to be the relief one gets from learning that it isn’t true after all. However, there are many cases where “just kidding” doesn’t follow the ill-fated news and the devastating effects are as real as it gets, especially in the reoccurring tragedy of infidelity.
The emotional strife and trust issues that come along with infidelity can break a relationship and leave lasting effects. So, take the opportunity to find out how you can fool proof your relationship this April and for years to come by better understanding cheating. In Loveology University’s Guide to Understanding Cheating, everything one needs to know such as who cheats and why, the difference between male and female cheaters, top 10 signs a man or a woman is cheating, steps to catching a cheating partner, and solutions after cheating are all included. To get started on fool proofing your relationship now, here are 10 tips to protecting your relationship from infidelity:
1. Spend emotional and quality time together.
2. Kiss each other passionately, every day.
3. Avoid monotony – schedule adventures.
4. Flirt with each other - - often.
5. Remain curious about each other’s lives.
6. Don’t keep secrets from each other.
7. Nip problems in the bud when they occur.
8. Forgive each other quickly to avoid anger and resentment.
9. Avoid tempting situations with someone you find attractive.
10. Communicate openly and honestly about your wants, needs, desires, and fears.
To learn more, check out LU’s Guide to Understanding Cheating http://loveologyuniversity.com/BookStore.aspx#99ebook
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It can be one of the most painful things you’ll have to deal with in a relationship, and though it doesn’t always mean it’s the end, it does make it difficult to move forward and continue in a relationship. I’m talking about infidelity, cheating, stepping out….the unthinkable.
It is estimated that approximately 30 – 60% of married individuals will step outside of the marriage and cheat on their spouse at one point or another. With a number this high, it is apparent that many of the married couples we see walking around have been impacted by infidelity and have found a way to move past it and/or work through it. Though it may not be the easiest thing to do, salvaging a relationship after something like infidelity has even proven to make the bond between two people stronger than ever. So, if you have it in you, it might be worth trying to push through and bring it back to basics.
Is it worth it?
The first step is trying to figure out if it’s worth it for you to put yourself through the very long process of forgiveness, rebuilding trust and ultimately moving forward and not holding it over your lover’s head for the rest of your relationship. It takes a very strong person to face this issue with their other half, so if you want to get past this hump, you must have the courage to be ready to bring everything to the surface – that includes possible infidelities you were unaware of, public humiliation, ill feelings you didn’t know were there, as well as various other things that might not be right in your relationship.
Forgive but don’t forget
While you’re going through the daunting task of searching for forgiveness within, don’t forget what happened. It is fine to forgive your partner but it is very important to also remain aware that your trust has been compromised and that it must be earned back again. If you’re going to move forward, consider this as a bump in the road, and not a road block. You can get past this, but you will have to remain positive and steer away from harboring negative feelings as they will stand in the way of true forgiveness.
Talk it out
Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, and when it has been tainted by infidelity, it’s clear that there has been a lapse in communication. Keeping an open dialogue and being honest about your feelings is key. You want to be sure he is clear on how much this has hurt you and how betrayed you feel. You must also give him the opportunity to make his case, but by no means does this negate what he has done, it merely gives you some insight into his thought process and possibly his motives. He may very well lie about this, but you have to be willing to hear him out so that you can eventually move forward.
Try to trust
This might be the last thing you think you can accomplish, but rebuilding your trust is the only way that you can move forward and get past the issue of infidelity. Remember that it is a daily struggle, and your mind will most definitely wander and you will have sneaking suspicions that haunt you constantly. Do your best to trust your partner and leave the negative thoughts behind. If you incessantly dwell on what happened, you will never be able to re-build your trust and create the essential foundation for any type of relationship.
After you have been through the above four phases, it might seem like you are backtracking, but starting over is one of the best things you can do for a relationship that has been stricken with infidelity. Wiping the slate clean after you have decided that it is worth it to try and rebuild the trust in your relationship is unquestionably the best way for you and your partner to move forward and move on. One of the most important things to remember when starting over is not to re-hash what has happened. The fact that you have chosen to start over means that you will let bygones be bygones and leave the past behind you.
While the journey will not be an easy one, these 5 things can help to put you on the path to salvaging your relationship after he has cheated. Good luck!
*Read to the end of this article before you start sending hate mail!
You’re a nice guy or nice girl. You have morals and ethics. You want to do everything above-board and you play by the rules. The problem is, you’re getting nowhere with your dating/sex/relationship life!
You look around you and see guys and girls that seem to be bending (or breaking) the rules and wonder if you could do that. Then, your own sense of justice kicks in and you go right back to being lonely and hoping that someone, somewhere will find you, see what you have to offer (without all the game-playing) and will fall in love with you.
It’s a nice fantasy, but sometimes, it just doesn’t work. Here are 10 ideas to stretch your “ethics” when it comes to dating that might just make things a little different.
Yes, I know mom told you not to lie, but in fact, we all do it – all the time! You know those 15 pounds you shaved off your online profile’s weight, or the 2 inches you added to your height or 10 years you moved your birthday forward on the calendar? Yes, we all lie.
Of course, nobody wants to admit and (worse) we sure as hell want someone else to live up to our demands that they be “totally and completely honest” but let’s face it. Nobody does that – not even you.
Sometimes a few little lies can get you over a big hump. Often, you don’t even have to come clean about it! Trust me, karma; while a great idea (and a way of getting some people to be honest) rarely happens.
Yes, people also cheat!
Here’s something no victim of cheating wants to hear: when someone cheats (your girlfriend/boyfriend) BOTH of you are guilty!
(“But wait Doc, I’m a VICTIM here!!!”)
Sorry. The reality is; I’ve never seen a case where both people didn’t have responsibility in an episode of cheating. No, I’m absolutely serious.
Here’s my best advice however: if you’re going to cheat, you absolutely, positively MUST NOT ever let your partner find out about it! You don’t get to come back later and try to relieve your own guilt by confessing it.
Think about this: all you’ll ever do is harm someone you claim to care about. You never relieve the guilt even after this and then you have to work to try to repair all that damage. If you want to beat yourself up over what you’ve done, don’t bring even more harm to someone else in the process. Just become a better girlfriend or boyfriend instead.
#3 Go After Your Ex’s Friends
Your hot ex is a wealth of new opportunities! Can you imagine the wacky fun when you show up with that person to your ex’s house party? You’ll have stories to tell your grandchildren and write books about!
#4 Steal Your Friend’s Boyfriend Or Girlfriend
Here’s the reality: it’s more difficult to KEEP a boyfriend or girlfriend than to steal someone else’s! Maybe they just aren’t right for each other or maybe they have a wondering eye and you’re just the guy or gal to tame them. Actually, you’d be doing your friend a favor, right?
#5 Break the rules
Does your office have rules against dating a boss, employee or co-worker? Has your activities group agreed that you won’t date people inside the group? Do you have a really hot cousin that you’ve always wondered about?
Well, those rules are artificial, right? In fact, you’d be crazy NOT to break them!
The trick is in hiding things really, really well. You have to be careful about how you act around your new lover when you’re at work or with the group. You need to have some ground rules to pull this off, but think of the thrill of stealing a few kisses in the storeroom or playing “pinch and tickle” at Thanksgiving dinner!
#6 Talk down the competition
This is probably the most common unethical trick there is! You play down the competition because, after all, that person isn’t anywhere near as good a choice as you are! Of course, you don’t even know that person, but does it really matter? You’ve seen the wolf down their food or maybe you blame them for farting in a group.
Disposable phones, free email addresses, fake Facebook accounts all are there for a reason! Imagine snapping a secret picture of someone and posting it on your new Facebook account only the then friend their boyfriend or girlfriend.
Or, what about unexpected text messages or emails? If the object of your desire happens to have access to the victim’s accounts, you can just imagine the zany results of finding these little well-planned attempts at sabotage.
Another common ploy! “Jump in bed with me right now or I’ll tell your girlfriend you came on to me” or “Let’s have drinks tonight and talk about your promotion”, etc. I think everyone has tried to use blackmail or has been the victim of it. If it’s this common, it must be pretty effective, no?
#9 Get Your Friends To Gang Up
Why should you have all the fun? Why not let your friends in on it too? From blackmail or talking someone down to sabotage, just about any of these dirty tricks is even more fun when you involve your friends.
Oops! I “forgot” you were married or I “forgot” you didn’t date “friends” or I “forgot” you were gay.
Forgetting is a time-honored way to change things up! We all seem to have “memories of convenience” sometimes. That little lapse in memory can sometimes be a way to score big when it comes to extending your own “sphere of influence” in the dating/sex/relationship world!
Now, I’m not suggesting that YOU do any of the heinous things. Or, am I? Sometimes thinking outside the box might just be the ticket you were looking for.
Just know this: if you someone catches you in any of these rule-breakers and you claim, “But Dr. Dennis said I could!” I’ll deny everything.
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Be sure to check out the new BAM! TV at http://BeingAMan.tv. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
By Miss Yasmine
Does your man seem to have eyes for everyone in the room but you? Is he a little too friendly with your girls? If so, it may be time to put your man’s flirty behavior in check. While a smile and a handshake are nothing to give a second thought to, overly gregarious gestures may have you giving your man the evil eye. If he’s a bit out of line but you’re not sure how to address it, here are a few tools, outside of snapping his neck back into place, that will have his attention right back where it should be… on you!
1. Set Boundaries
Many times the line between friendly and flirty is a bit blurred. It is important to set boundaries for what’s considered appropriate behavior within the confines of your relationship from the start. Whether the line is drawn at long embraces or all the way at kissing, if there are no rules set in place, then there aren’t any to break –it’s truly as simple as that.
2. Call It Like You See It
If he’s stepping out of line let him know! Sometimes naturally flirtatious people don’t recognize when they’re overstepping the boundaries. If you call it out when it happens, there will be less room for your beau to negate his actions. While it shouldn’t be done in an overly stern manner, you also shouldn’t make too much of a joke out of it as you may risk losing the serious nature of your sentiments. One thing you may want to try is using a code word to tell your partner when they’re being too flirty. Code words allow you to note his behavior without starting an intense dialogue. This will also help to show him how many times he breaks the rules.
Be sure to actually take the time to help your partner understand your point of view. No four page letters are needed for this, simply let him know how it makes you feel when he’s overly flirtatious with others. Does it make you jealous? Insecure? Angry? If it evokes one or all of the above emotions, share that with him. This will help for him to be empathetic to your requests and will hopefully make him lay off of the rubber necking.
4. Cut It Off
If he still doesn’t cut the flirting out after the aforementioned steps, it’s time to cut him off. Though a natural flirt is always going to be somewhat friendly (which is probably one of the reason you love them so much), if he can’t seem to get with the program then he probably doesn’t want to. Once you’ve had the conversation over and over again and nothing has changed, it may be time to look for love elsewhere. Any many who only has eyes for you won’t want you to feel anything less. If he can’t make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world then the relationship probably better off in the dump!
Most relationships have signs of the bitter end long before the break up actually occurs. Sometimes no matter how much or little effort is put into reconciling faults, you can barely detain the inevitable. But what happens within the mindset of the individual who wants the consistency of a relationship, while having their other needs met through someone else? This is what I refer to as, ‘The Back-Up Boyfriend.’
A Back-Up Boyfriend (or girlfriend) emerges in two different ways: As an affair or a ‘friend zone’ companion.
With affairs, an individual sees that the relationship is ending soon and starts seeking out a new mate with which she feels comfortable around and wants to get to know better. She doesn’t mean for this to go further (and sometimes it doesn’t) but the bonding often gets serious and leads to a full-blown affair, justified under the banner of “My relationship is ending anyway.” If you think you might be headed down this road, a simple test to perform is to ask yourself this: Would I be able to invite my partner into this scenario or would he smell an affair immediately?
With the “Friend Zone” companion, there is an understanding that you are never going to hook up physically, but there is an emotional attachment that develops such that the individual in the friend zone becomes a back-up when the real boyfriend fails. As someone in the friend zone, you give the girl all the comfort she craves in her relationship without her actually having to give anything in return. She knows that you will always be the shoulder she can cry on and the person who will drop everything to aid her regardless of your own situations or circumstances. Usually you are put in the friend zone because of the lack of action to attempt to pursue anything with her even if your heart wants more. And your heart wanting more is what will always keep you as a Back-Up Boyfriend.
The psychology behind why women and men alike do this varies from case to case. Obviously at the root of it there are basic needs not being met in the failing relationship, and sometimes it stems deeper into the inner psyche, going as far back as uneasy childhood memories. If a parent was absent for most of your early development you may tend to keep people around with a deeper emotional attachment because there is a constant fear of abandonment. You don’t want to be alone, so you stay in a failing relationship. Then you fear losing that person, so you find a back-up. It’s not pretty, but it’s pretty simple.
There is no easy way to confront a lover who is falling into a pattern of keeping some extra baggage around, especially without sounding jealous. But recognizing the signs of those who cheat and emotionally stray, as found in my previous post, can help you identify specific key behaviors that might prevent future damage to the relationship.
If you are the individual in the relationship who is watching your significant other latch on to other males in an emotional way, speak out. Have a night where you two can sit down together and discuss some of the things that you need or want of each other and this should be enough for her to call it quits with her Back-Up Boyfriend. But you have to be realistic, if what you both need from a relationship is just too much of a demand, be honest with yourself and each other and don’t be afraid to call it off before you hit the point of no return. There is nothing worse than a dramatic break up that eventually affects everyone around you.
So what if you are the Back-Up Boyfriend? You have a very tough decision to make right here and it’s going to have to be based in a realistic evaluation of yourself. Does the girl know you care for her? Do you actually see yourself having anything more serious with her? Answering yes to these questions still doesn’t give her the right to use you for anything you wish to give to her emotionally or materially. But there are a few simple steps you can take to either get out and get on with your own life, or make a move into her life.
Stop Being Her Lapdog
It may be hard, but the best way to get out of the back-up boyfriend role is to make yourself less available. It may hurt to say that god-awful two letter word, ‘no,’ but in the long run staying around and becoming her lap dog will hurt you more deeply than putting her on the back burner. Show her you have a life without her!
Start Dating And Be Proud About It
Dating other women is one of the best things you can do for you. So what if each date only happens once, it’s the fact you are seeing people that will break you out of your codependent behavior for the girl who put you in the friend zone. Another great thing is if you let her know you are seeing other people, and that you just want to be friends, ask her for advice or her opinion about the current girls. If she even gets the slightest bit jealous you may have a chance with her!
If you don’t want to date other people, man up and ask her out. Of course she’ll remind you about her boyfriend at which point you say that while you don’t want to be a home wrecker, you have to wonder how successful her relationship is if she’s spending this much time with you. If you don’t want to intrude on her current relationship, just be honest and let her know how you feel and maybe even say that you’d like to take a break from hanging out until she figures out what she’s doing with her failing relationship. You never know how things will play out until you put it out there, and having the courage to do so is a big turn on for any lady.
Ladies, if you have the habit of creating Back-Up Boyfriends, just stop. You may think it’s morally acceptable because of whatever justifications you can create in your own head, but it’s not. The dominoes you are setting up only lead to emotional damage for you, the individual you’re having the affair with (or the guy in the friend zone), and your current partner who deserves honesty. If you aren’t happy with your relationship speak up. Nothing changes if nothing changes, so if you can’t communicate, how will anyone ever know what you truly feel?
Vist Sexandria’s blog here on Evolved World!
While most relationships end before getting to this stage, many couples find themselves facing the temptation of adultery. I believe everyone has had adulterous thoughts cross their mind at one time or another when faced with either a highly attractive coworker or someone who keeps up pursuit outside of the work place. But there are other situations that occur within your relationship that could provoke the compulsive behavior to go out looking for sex like a drug addict looking to score.
When I was 17 years old I had gotten myself into a long distance relationship where he lived in Northern California while I resided in Los Angeles. He would drive down every weekend to visit, so our sexual needs were being met, and I never thought about cheating. He was very sweet and would compliment me about my physical and intellectual beauty time and time again. He also made it very clear how worried he was about that because I reminded him of several of his exes, all of whom cheated on him.
After dating for a while he started exhibiting the behaviors of someone who was cheating - visiting less and being overly protective about me and my male friends. It turned out that he was actually back on his drug of choice, heroin, and exhibiting the behaviors of an addict. At this point in time he didn’t know I knew he was using but he sure as hell could tell that I had become unhappy, so he threatened me with those thirteen ugly words, “If you break up with me I am going to start using again.” Those words buried themselves under my skin like the needles he was using for his own destruction.
Our relationship was a ticking time bomb and I felt psychologically cornered and trapped by what he said. I came to the conclusion that the only way out of the relationship was to make him break up with me, so I cheated on him, and less than 3 days later I was off the hook with the relationship.
Was I justified to cheat? Most would say no. Most would say that you can always just leave, but it’s never that simple dealing with high stress emotional games. In my opinion there are situations that justify cheating based on self-preservation. It is one thing to fall out of love with someone and stick around until the bitter end, but it is another to be threatened with a potential life or death situation and be faced with potentially severe consequences. There is a very big gray area when it comes to how relationships should be, especially with the media’s contradictory depictions of acceptable behavior. On one hand there are endless movies and television shows about cheating spouses who are punished for their actions, and on the other hand there is a voyeuristic glamorization of promiscuous behavior that can’t be denied.
The Science of Cheating
With both lust and love, a highly addictive chemical called ‘Dopamine’ is released within the brain causing the receptor of the chemicals to look for more thrills. Similar effects can be produced from chocolate, and illegal drugs like heroin. Individuals with preexisting chemical imbalances may experience heightened social barriers at the same time as experiencing hyper-sexuality as the result of extra amounts of Dopamine being produced. Recently I have come to a realization that relationships won’t always have the ‘butterflies in your tummy’ vibe years down the road, once these chemicals have stopped releasing at the sight of that special someone. But a deeper bond is created that outlasts the Dopamine. I believe you should be with someone who can make you smile for the rest of your life, or at least for the duration of the relationship. If you aren’t happy, then there’s something to fix, or a reason to leave.
Is there a good time to cheat?
While some people place a high value on monogamous commitment right from the beginning, others need to warm up to the idea of being with just one person, and allow themselves to cheat early on in the relationship. They justify their behavior by reasoning that they don’t feel the strong connection yet or the big “L” word. Others justify their actions with the levels of alcohol in their system. Or sometimes a couple will agree to ‘keep their options open’ because they both feel things aren’t serious enough yet. The challenge in this complicated situation is to manage the emotional attachment that each person feels for the other. What happens when that ‘option’ sleeps over at your boyfriend’s house? Are you still okay with it?
In another scenario, a person might feel that a relationship is coming to an end, or that a particular fight has resulted in irreconcilable differences, yet this finality has yet to be articulated. That person may imagine that he or she is not cheating because the relationship has ended in their mind, but if the end hasn’t been spoken, is it cheating? In order to avoid these potentially lethal occurrences from either your sex partner or significant other, it is important to keep communication open so that each of you are on the same page before misinformation poisons the fun.
Types of Cheating
The most common form of cheating is physical. You or your lover betray the sanctity of the commitment by choosing to have some sort of physical relations with another individual. But there is a less common version of cheating that is harder to detect - emotional cheating. Emotional cheating usually stems from the individual’s feeling of inadequacy in a relationship. It can manifest itself in simple ways like flirting, or more complicated ways like in-depth conversations online and / or gift exchanging. Two major ways to recognize cheating behavior are noticing standoffish behavior in your partner when it comes to being intimate with you, or out of the blue accusations that you yourself are cheating. The latter is a common reaction to the guilt and tension caused by keeping secrets and hiding behavior.
Confronting a loved one about their cheating ways isn’t easy. The first step before you even consider confronting someone about their affair is to make sure all the evidence adds up to you being 100% sure they are being unfaithful. The next step is to make sure you have a clear and rational train of thought. This isn’t like the movies where you can blow your lid and burn down the house. This is real life and should be handled with care. Your emotional state of mind may be very fragile, so be sure to choose the timing accordingly, along with a secluded place out of the public eye where you can speak your mind instead of worrying about embarrassing both of you. Regardless of the evidence, you should always keep an open mind and listen to their defense. Keeping the lines of communication open this way will ensure that you can logically assess the situation at hand and come to a reasonable conclusion.
Depending on how long you have been together and what assets you hold together as a couple, you should be willing to consider a second chance if asked for, depending on the severity of the situation of course. Some people feel the need to have the stability of a relationship whether they are happy or not, or whether or not they can live with the knowledge that their partner cheated. This is not a solid basis from which to grow a stronger relationship after cheating. If you’re only staying together because you don’t want to be alone, that’s not good enough to support a successful future together.
Everyone is different, and trust can be rebuilt more easily by some than others. Whether you will reconcile or not is up to you to decide on an individual basis. You know what you can live with. If your significant other cheated on you, would you be able to turn the other cheek and forgive them? Would you accept the fact they cheated based on something that was at fault in your relationship? And if it was a fault with the relationship would you find their actions justified in any way, shape or form? You absolutely have to be truthful with yourself to make the right choice.
By Leah Frieday
Seeing The Relationship Through
Dealing with infidelity is one of the most trying situations a couple or family can encounter. After the fact, there are only two roads which your new journey can take. You can either try to forgive the betrayal and rebuild your relationship, or you can let the relationship go completely and start anew, taking with you this life lesson. Staying with your partner and condemning them to a life of savage scrutiny, mistrust and relentless torture will not serve you. To stay in the relationship if you have not decided that your desire is to forgive your partner fully will act only as a life sentence of 'less than.'
In the beginning, you will certainly feel as if you must control your partner's every move in fear of them cheating again. It is imperative that you completely resist this urge! Understand that this is their chance to display to you that they are worthy of your forgiveness. If they truly aspire to live their life beside you, no temptation in this dimension will be worth sacrificing your life together, or the second chance that you have given them. They will fully understand the mistake they made and the torture that they created for you. If this person chooses to do this again, they are not worthy. Take comfort that the next time you will know what to do. There is no third chance in this scenario. You simply deserve better.
On the other hand, when a person truly wants to do something, they'll find a way to go about it. Understand that your partner has free will. We all do. If your partner isn't in it for the right reasons, your attempts to control them will do no good. They will only serve to make you feel and appear pathetic. Know that your strength in wanting to save this relationship knows no bounds and does not deserve to be soiled with constant suspicion and worry. Leave it to a higher power and fully open yourself to the journey that is about to unfold before both of you.
If you feel you must leave because you cannot fathom ever being able to trust your partner again, you will need to end the relationship. If you stay without complete forgiveness, the agony that you will suffer moving into the future will be much more powerful than the destruction you felt upon the discovery of the betrayal. The difference will be that you will be the culprit in damaging yourself this way. The decision to shut down this relationship should be made only after you can think rationally again, and hopefully after you and your partner have had ample chance to communicate with each other about the future. Counseling may also help you arrive at a realistic decision. The severity of this decision is one that will ultimately change your family in the most profound way.
Remember this. No one has the right to think any less of you because you could not forgive and forget; many people do not possess the ability to let something of such a large magnitude go. The destruction has sunk in too deep for there to be any light.
However, if you do want to see the relationship through, please know that it is possible! You've invested love, time, and effort into this relationship. It is well within your rights to want to protect your investment! There is something magical in wanting to salvage the beauty and love that came before. In this disposable society, know that your partner does not have to be one of those things thrown away like a snotty Kleenex.
Rebuilding a Loving Relationship
Some days will be easier than others. Some days will be so hard that you want to retreat to the hills never to be seen or heard from again. The only thing you can do is take each day, each hour, and every minute as it comes and keep your goal in mind: a harmoniously passionate and love filled life with your partner and a certain victory that you will claim for the rest of your life.
Regaining your foothold on life and rebuilding your love after infidelity is much like pursuing a brand new romance. You will get to know each other again, hopefully on a much deeper, more spiritual level. You will spend romantic evenings together and open yourselves to making love to each other with an intense urgency you have never witnessed before now. Each kiss will hold meaning and emotion. Each glance will provide an open portal into the soul of the person that has decided to stand shoulder to shoulder with you in this lifetime. You each will make sure that your time together will be a priority, not an afterthought.
This act of infidelity was a bump in the road. In the big picture of life, what does it mean? It means that people are human. It means that this is your chance to move forward to a love that will certainly stand the test of time. When you are both willing to pour the necessary effort into rebuilding your love and trust, you will make it work.
Love coaching can be an extremely effective antidote to mending your broken heart and strengthening your bond. Book an initial consultation with a reputable professional and, if you're comfortable with their techniques, schedule a weekly session. With this support you will be able to tap into each other's most reserved feelings and get to know each other all over again. This is a perfect opportunity to allow your deepest desires and your most delicious fantasies to come into play. This is not the time to hold anything back. You are creating now, the love life that you desire and most certainly deserve. Be bold and clear about your expectations moving forward. Know that you must leave the meek or non-communicative you far behind.
Strengthening Your Relationship
Now is the time to rev up or revamp your sex life by indulging in each other to the fullest extent. Your open sensuality will be a beacon of hope and fulfillment. Begin to try new techniques. Strengthen your bond by exploring new ways of making love or simply by spending more quality time together. Understand that now more than ever, small gestures are crucial in both partners feeling appreciated and cherished.
Here are 10 activities to rekindle the romance:
1. Schedule a weekly date night. Do not wait for your calendar to open up…make this an absolute priority. Schedule everything else around this night.
2. Make certain that you connect with your partner verbally every night. Find out how their day was. Care about how their day went.
3. Sincerely praise one another in private and in the presence of others.
4. Surprise each other with small, thoughtful gifts.
5. Cook a home-cooked meal together. Consider this time of meal preparation as an opportunity to provide sustenance to your minds as well as your bodies.
6. Treat each other to weekly massages. The touch and feel of this connection goes way beyond the relieving of tired muscles.
7. Have sex at least 3 times per week. Whether it be a full on production with candles, incense and music, or a lust filled moment after the kids have left for school, do not fall back into the routine of your life that deprived you from the fire that you have for each other.
8. Take a romantic trip. There is nothing more that can be said about staying in bed for days at a time, nourishing yourselves with room service, and each other. Drink from one another, taste the divine.
9. Visit the place where you had your first date or were proposed to. Recapture those precious moments that were in the past, before the damage occurred. Honor these places and times as they deserve to be. These times did not go away, they were hidden and shadowed.
10. Have fun in life! The worst thing that could happen to a couple has already come to pass…begin to ignite each other by nourishing your life visions. Help each other to dream, to laugh, to become.
By incorporating the activities listed above into your lives, you just may feel like newlyweds again. The aim would be to hold this new level of love against all odds. Keep it held close and protect it from the perils of daily life and of the intimidating stressors which will always be present. Know that as humans, all anyone wants is to love and to be loved.
The only way to overcome infidelity is to truly re-dedicate your life to one another. Your partner and your life together should be your main priority. Investigate and help flourish their dreams. Take full responsibility for each other. You have been put together and have remained together for a reason. Honor this always. Whether you've been married for 20 years or have been dating for just 8 months, by taking it one step at a time, you can successfully overcome infidelity.
Realize this: at the end of your time here on earth nothing will mean more to you than knowing that you and your partner have invoked the spirit of absolute forgiveness and the bond of an eternal love. Love is all that matters in the end.
Master Spirit Life Coach
Lyricist & Vocalist www.askalovecoach.com
By Leah Frieday
Whether you are planning on remaining with your partner or diving into the reality of leaving the relationship, coping with your pain is an absolute necessity in order to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, there are productive and unproductive ways to deal with your pain. To get clear, we can discuss the unproductive methods of coping with this devastation. These are numbing mechanisms that will surely do more harm than good. Although these actions may relieve some of the pain, they are only masking the situation.
Unproductive Methods of Coping with Pain
๏ Drinking Alcohol
๏ Binging on food
๏ Chain smoking
๏ Taking drugs
๏ Hurting yourself
๏ Hurting your partner
๏ Detailing the events to your children or family
๏ Becoming destructive to your environment
It's true that everyone needs a way to purge this vicious course of emotions, doubts and fears. Defaulting to unhealthy, dangerous and potentially life threatening methods of coping with your pain will do more harm than good.
Although it may be the first line of defense that you can conger, avoid drinking alcohol and taking drugs. Quite simply, you will not be in your right state of mind and you may do something you will regret. Revenge is a sweet drug and fueled by artificial calm. Furthermore, by exposing yourself to these harmful indulgences you risk becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol.
Some of us may be accustomed to reaching for a bucket of ice cream and chocolate when we are stressed. Your immediate reaction may be to soothe your aching heart by binging on junk food with each day that passes. This is not a healthy outlet. Not only will you gain weight, but you will not look at yourself with respect or admiration. These things are easy bandages that cover up the pain and emotions that you must let go of.
Hurting anyone, most definitely including yourself, is completely unacceptable. Violence will only complicate the situation and leave you with mountains of nagging regret. Resorting to violence against their prized possessions, their clothing, or your home is also a tactic that does not bring any comfort. Do yourself a huge favor and be intelligent about the way you cope with your pain. Preserve your life and worry now about your dignity by writing off these excuses to sabotage yourself and the healing process.
Although one of your primal instincts will be to take up arms against the person your infidel let infiltrate your life, decide now that this will not change anything. The deed has been done. We truly have no way of knowing the life of the interloper. We do not know the circumstances that led this person to want to take that fateful step into your life. Writing scathing emails, making harassing phone calls, staking out this person in their own life, or worse, actual acts of violence against this person will be lost in the grand scheme of things. Realize that the Karma truck has already dumped a fresh load of crap for you to deal with and that you do not want to be the one with the shovel piling more and more on. Leave this person alone to their own destiny. Do not hit send. Do not dial the number. Instead, write a letter to this person, and burn it. Release it in ashes to the atmosphere. Honestly, they are not worthy of the intensity of your rage or hatred. Instead, take this intensity and refocus it as determination to heal for yourself, your children, your partner.
Now, we can discuss the productive methods of coping with your pain.
Productive Methods of Coping
๏ First and foremost, take care of yourself physically, have a shower,
brush your teeth, put on clean clothes every day.
๏ Nurture your body like you never have before
๏ Consult with certified professionals
๏ Attend to your spirituality
๏ Seek online forums dedicated to overcoming infidelity
๏ Read relevant books, know that you are not alone
๏ Journal your feelings, get it out
๏ Confide in a single trusted friend
๏ As silly as this may sound, revamp your outward appearance
The best way to cope with your pain is seeking comfort from those who have gone through similar situations. Perhaps you have a friend, family member, or coworker that has overcome infidelity. If so, contact them and ask them to tell you how they dealt with the situation. Do not seek out someone who has not let go of or recovered from their own experiences. This will not help for both of you to dwell in the madness of it all. It may even do harm to the person that you seek advice from. You do not want them to have to relive the pain with you. If they are holding a vicious outlook toward their partner, this will only spur on negative feelings for you. Generally speaking, survivors like telling their untold stories of hardship and will be honored that you've turned to them for help.
If you don’t have a personal friend that can see you through this time, mingle online and in local organizations with those who can help. You'll often find forums online and local groups filled with members that are ready and willing to help you cope. The important thing to consider is that these groups do not discuss, examine or wallow in the events of the infidelity, but that they are determined to live a full life beyond the betrayal.
Explore your options. You can contact a professional, close friend, or a complete stranger online. The important thing is to get your feelings out into the open. Alternatively, if you prefer to keep your partner's act of infidelity private, simply journal your feelings. Journaling can help you express your emotions and think through different options. Journaling also provides you with the opportunity to converse with your higher self. Listen closely to what your soul is saying. This is your truth. There is always someone ready to listen to your troubles, even if that someone is you.
Master Spirit Life Coach
Lyricist & Vocalist www.askalovecoach.com
Read the first and third installments of this series: Overcoming Infidelity Part 3: Rebuilding Your Relationship and Overcoming Infidelity Part 1: Acceptance
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Over 30 years of success in the worlds of business, dating, sex and relationships, sales and marketing, psychology, sociology and human interactions give Dr. Neder a unique perspective on men’s relationships with women. His books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World”, Volumes I & II and “1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women”, “How Women Can Approach Men” have become the must-have topic of thousands of radio and TV programs and in print media.
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