The roller coaster of emotions...up, down.... happy, sad... hopeless, full of life... scared, safe... laughter, crying….Roller coaster.
I was venting to my friend back home the other day about how the situation I am in right now sucks and she was all, "You need to blog and write about it." I love to write, it’s therapeutic, but in my heart, I was like…noooooo…I….don’t.
I sure don’t want to let all the people who read my blog and believe in me know what a huge slump I’m in and that I am really feeling hopeless right now.
I used to love having a blog; that way all my friends and family could keep up with my exciting and wacky adventures in Los Angeles…Now, not so much…Why you ask? Well because I have invited everyone I know, have met or meet on the streets into my life and when my life isn’t going as planned, my failures are exposed to all. No one likes to live through failures, let alone re-cap them in print for anyone to read. No one really wants to read about hopelessness and failure, do they? Do you?
I know, I asked for it and did it to myself, and I get that. But it’s really tough to not only have to go through this, but to have to share the fact it’s not going well with all of you. It’s hard to find a job out here...not even an acting job, but like a regular day job. I have applied to everything from waiting tables, bartending, catering, banquet gigs, nanny gigs, manager positions, tour bus guide, promotions, marketing.....
Being jobless is the worst feeling in the world. I feel pretty worthless and even when I think I have nailed an interview, for whatever reason, I don’t get the job. See, I have always found a way to get work and never stressed out about a job... until now. Thank God I can design and build awesome websites, which is sustaining my living expenses in the meantime. But even with the website work, I work by myself, wherever I can (coffee shops) which means little or no interaction with other people. That, within itself, sucks.
I just don’t know what else to do! I keep asking myself, "Have you done all you can do?" "Because if the answer is yes, then yeah – maybe this isn’t for you Caroline." "Maybe you don’t have what it takes to make it out here in LA…That’s cool, you tried, you failed, now go back to Houston and – well, figure it out there." But if my answer is, I think I have, or I don’t know…then I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself and find a way to make this happen!
So I need a job. And a place to live. I miss my bed and my things and especially, Charlie. I miss my dog and until I get my own place, I am without him. For those of you that know Charlie, you know what a source of happiness he is for me. Without him, I feel very much alone.
I am alive! That, in a nutshell, is pretty amazing. I have life and regardless of the outcome, I am pursuing my personal journey.
I have the best people rooting for me from all over the globe. Although that comes with pressure to not fail or let you all down, I am so honored to have you all care about me so much. Friends and family who I know and love and those of you I have never even met. It’s heartwarming.
I have reconnected with friends from Houston that I went to school with or knew one way or another, who I never thought would be in my life at this point. And not only are they in my life, they are solid people who have traveled down the very same road that I am on and they are supporting me in every way possible.
I have met a ton of amazing, talented people in LA….Singers, my Second City friends, Houstonians here in LA!, stand-up comics, hair-stylists, producers, friends of friends, waiters/waitresses, people in the industry, people who would never ever want to be in the industry…all so awesome. I feel so lucky just to be here.
My Mom….she is the best. I know at times I make her want to pull her hair out and I am sure she has often thought about how easier her life would be if she would have just left me at the hospital….but she is the best thing in my life.
Well, okay, no, it won’t be that awesome if I leave LA without accomplishing any of my goals...so for now, for the next 7 days, I will give it 200% - everything I have. I will report in every day and update you all as to where I am and we will, together, take the next seven days on. Head-up, positive attitude, smile on my face, with everything we have.
And on an end note, if one more person from LA, Houston, NYC or anywhere on the globe for that matter sends me a smug note or comment or email saying how hard it is to make it in LA and what a tough, bad town this is and how people get eaten alive....SAVE IT
Stop reading my blog.
I don’t need that now, or actually, never needed it. I get it, it’s hard, you tried or know someone who tried or read about a failed attempt about making it in the “biz” here and it didn’t end as expected. I am so sorry it didn’t work out.
But this is MY journey, MY experiences, MY life. If you don’t have anything nice or constructive to say, don’t say it. You’re not helping. I appreciate your need to share, but it’s not constructive. I have my own path to go on and I don’t need people saying, basically, “I told you so.”