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How to be Unemployed Tip #1: Daytime Televison

August 2011 is almost overand the national unemployment rate is 9%. In August 2008 the national unemployment rate was 6.2%. Yikes. August 2008 was actually the last month I held a “real job.” A real job is something you go to in the morning a half an hour late and sit at a desk for eight hours doing two hours worth of work. Prior to August 2008, I had four different “real jobs” during one 18-month engagement to one person. Not to brag, but I’m pretty good at being “unemployed,” “underemployed,” and “following my passion.” To celebrate my third anniversary of not having to wear pinstriped pants from Ann Taylor, here’s the first in a series of tips on How To Be Unemployed.

How To Be Unemployed Tip #1: How to Watch Daytime Television

Do not watch television from 1-4 PM. You will not feel worse about yourself. You still feel like you're part of society by watching morning television. What's today's news? Which show is longer: The Today Show or Pinwheel? What awful thing will come out of Elisabeth Hasselbeck's mouth? Whose heart will give out first: Kelly's from malnourishment or Regis' because he’s been yelling for 79 years straight. In between the noon news and what used to be Oprah, it's a depressing landscape of technical school ads you remember watching when you came home from kindergarten, injury lawyer commercials, and court shows. I think this why perfectly smart people watch soaps. Soaps give afternoon television viewing a purpose: "I have to follow my stories." "I have to catch up on my soap." "I missed it today, what happened?" The more Maury and Judge Brown you watch, the faster you’ll slide from the sexy prime time network demographic that advertisers love to society's underbelly that hinges it's hopes on a gun repair class or an incurable disease with a big pay out. What do you do between 1-4 PM? Sit at Starbucks and pretend you’re working on your screenplay. Congratulations, it’s 4 PM and lived to see another Happy Hour!