Amazingly when SEX and THE CITY was at its television peak I never watched one episode. It wasn't until the first movie came out that I fell in love with the show, "The girls" and Mr. Big.
I was up late the other night and by chanced happened to catch a few vintage episodes. It was then that I realized I had my own personal "Mr. Big" and after more than a year of ups, downs, outright heart break and a million and one tears, there is plenty of water under the bridge.
Now for any of you out there that know me, you know that I have never been the type of girl to lament over any guy. Move-um in and move-um out. Don't get me wrong I had my share of so called "heart breaks", but my motto for years had been there is nothing like something new to get over something old. I was a girl that liked variety and didn't put much weight on ever getting married. In fact my own father told me years ago that I would NEVER get married. Guess he figured that being the youngest of his 36 children, and the most like him, that my freedom-loving sassy ass wouldn't fair well in the confines of a marriage.
Here's one of the things I learned over the past year: No one, no matter how beautiful, how smart, how rich, how strong, or how aloof, is above meeting that one someone that they love way more than they should and putting up with way more than they should from them. I spent so long keeping men at arm's distance for this very reason. I knew that one day love would come around to bite me on the ass.
When I met my "Mr. Big" I was knee deep in myself. I was fully engulfed in my own world and agenda. The top things on my list were money and my career. I wasn't looking for anything remotely close to a husband.
He wasn't like any guy that I had ever met before. He didn't pressure me for sex, in fact he preferred that we take our time. He was generous and thoughtful. He took the trash out without me asking. He didn't mind shopping with me. He wouldn't let me pull a dollar out of my purse as long as he was around. He loved me and anything thing that I loved. Our relationship was seemingly effortless. After almost 3 years together we had never even had an argument. It was the way he loved me that made me fall in love with him and agree to marry him. It didn't happen right away, instead it was a steady growth that had depth and substance. I thought I knew him.
On July 3, 2010 he disappeared. He suddenly without warning stopped answering my calls and vanished. The only way I knew he was alive was through mutual friends. I have never in all my life felt that much anguish. I was lost. Because I never saw it coming it was so much harder to deal with. We had been having some problems but nothing that seemed to warrant this. A month and a half later he came back. In the year following he disappeared and reappeared 3 more times; the longest being a 5 month hiatus. Like a true fool in love I took him back every time. I kept holding on to the man I used to know, kept wishing that every time he came back he would be the man I loved. He had gone from being the man beyond even my wildest dreams to my worst nightmare.
My best friend coined a phrase that since the day I heard it I have never been able to get it out of my head. She would always say, "when you're full you will push away from the table".
So my question today is when is ENOUGH ENOUGH? Is it after the age old 3 strikes you're out, or is it like my Mom says, "Once shame on you, twice shame on me."
Sometimes catching Mr. Big or Mr. Right is no easy task. Sometimes you get swept off the bridge and almost drown because the water has risen so high before you can land safely on the warm banks in his arms.
I mean how many times did Carrie and Mr. Big go back and forth? He left her standing at the altar for God's sake! And while my Mr. Big did vanish once in the middle of planning our wedding being left at the altar has to be worse.
Relationships are never easy. And I truly believe that true love is shown most when times are difficult. It is sticking through the curves that shows a person how much they really mean to you but at some point ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and the time comes to love yourself and remember that more than anything LOVE IS A VERB…..
Excerpt from my final goodbye letter:
"Regardless of all the anguish I have felt from loving you, I don't regret it. It has reminded me of who and what I am made of. It reminded me that I can love someone to the depth of my soul, that I am still as loyal as I claim to be, that I am super strong even when I seem weak from love. The things you have done over the past year attempted to break my spirit, but NEVER! I would be lying if I said that what you have done hasn't changed me, hasn't broken my heart, hasn't made me question everything that I thought I knew about you and how you used to love me. But what I realize now is that you never really did, love me that is. And it's ok. I realize that It's just not in you. I don't take any of it personally anymore. That is the one and ONLY good thing about you coming back this last time. I get to walk away on my terms. I know that all you have done had nothing to do with me or anything I did wrong, but rather your inability to give TRUE LOVE, receive TRUE LOVE , your emotional selfishness and the empty space that should be your heart."