Forget personal growth and “learning from mistakes.” It’s all rubbish. Poppycock. Why learn things the hard way when I can tell you my way? I’m taking out the guess work and telling you how to make the right choices for your life, right now.
#10 Take a hockey stick with you on big trips to the grocery store.
People suck at grocery shopping. They think they’re the only person in the store – they couldn’t be more wrong. They leave their carts in the middle of the aisle, don’t move when you reach for that ever important jar of kalamata olives, and insist on showing up to the express lane party with a basket overflowing with groceries fit for a pre-Biggest Loser contestant.
#9 Cheaper isn’t always better.
True for toilet paper and hookers. In both circumstances you are at risk of exposing your hand to something you don’t want it to touch.
#8 Less it not necessarily more.
True for cheesecake and rainbow suspenders. YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY RAINBOW SUSPENDERS.
#7 Stereotypes exist for a reason.
Don’t be fooled by people telling you not to stereotype. They will warn you it’s “wrong” to put people in categories and deduce their existence to a single character trait.
#6 You’re looking in the wrong place for moral lessons.
Do not be hoodwinked by false teachings of the Bible, Koran, Torah, the Vedas, Dead Sea Scrolls…. There is no better place to learn moral lessons than 1980’s family-sitcoms.
#5 Mistakes are like milkshakes.
You have to have a few to feel like you’re living, but if you have too many no one wants to hang out with you because they think you’re a freak of nature for having so many milkshakes.
#4 Send thank you cards.
Don’t be an asshole. Don’t wait to send them. Don’t forget to send them. Don’t choose not to send them. True for everything from graduation gifts to attending a dinner party. Don’t send electronic “thank you”s – no texts, no facebook comments, no emails. Use paper, ink, stamps – if you can remember what those things are.
#3 Never underestimate a booger.
We all fight urges to stick a finger in our nose. Maybe you have an itch, or maybe you think you have a legitimate bat in the cave. Don’t trust that innocent bat to be a cooperating, crumbly product of your nasal glands. No one wants to be in the middle of an office meeting to see someone pull a booger of epic proportions out of their nose and wonder where they are going to wipe it. Don’t be that person. Don’t underestimate the magnitude of your booger.
#2 The phrase “just kidding” does not mean “just kidding.”
It means TRUTH TIME! When someone tells you something that’s stingingly honest then shouts, “Just kidding!”…it’s because they were trying to be real with you, got scared, then tried to cover it up.
#1 If you’re reading this…
It means you have a pulse, can read, and have access to the internet.
Posted by Brook West on July 26, 2011 08:52 am
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