It’s Super Bowl Sunday! Cold beer, chips, dips and commercials! I love Super Bowl Sunday!
But this year, today, I am not feeling it.
I am far away from home.
Far away from my friends and family.
No betting squares this year, no queso cooking on the stove, no cocktail weenies in the crock pot. For the first time since I got here, it hits me.... I am alone.
Alone with my dream and this is what I wanted.
Wait. Um, no, this isn’t what I wanted, was it? I put myself in this position, I made this happen. This isn’t fun….this is scary. I’m homesick.
I want to stay in bed today and perhaps the rest of my life.
Everyone said, (besides that I am going to love it out here) LA is tough. What I thought they meant was the city itself was tough…and I was all, "No, no this city is awesome!" But what I now realize is the “tough” comes in when the dust settles, the savings run low, everyday life sets in and it hits you.
"WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?"
I am starting over.
As romantic as it sounds, it’s scary as hell. It’s lonely, it’s exciting, it’s unknown.
A roller coaster. Massive highs – I am in LA! The weather is awesome! Everyone is unique! Hiking, skiing, the beach, the culture! Deep lows - The quiet. The strangers. The unsuccessful job-hunt. No one to tell me it’s all going to be okay and to keep going…
I was invited to a Super Bowl party by a friend of a friend and I thought I was going to go, but now, given the state I am in, I decide that hanging at home would be best. I pick up the phone to graciously decline the invitation and as soon as she answered, I started to cry. Here I was crying on the phone, breaking down to a perfect stranger….Through my tears, I attempt to explain that I am so homesick and “just not feeling” like I would be good company, she said to me, “You know what would cheer you up? Being with a bunch of rowdy and obnoxious Steelers fans, eating good food, drinking cold beer. Caroline, we have all been just exactly where you are, and we’ll help you understand why you’re here.”
Huh, so maybe there will be betting squares, queso and cocktail weenies or maybe there will be something new…and maybe I am not alone. I am surrounded by people, opportunities and love, it’s just different now. Different in an exciting and scary way.
If my Mom were here, she would say to me, "Nothing in this life comes easy, if it did, we’d all be living in Malibu looking out over the ocean trying to decide which movie offer we want."
Alright, I get nothing comes easy, but damn, does it have to be this hard?
It does. It does and I know why. I have to go through this and experience the lows to appreciate and recognize the highs.
A friend once told me diamonds were made under pressure and if that’s the case, well I am destined to be a 45-karat, flawless rock that Beyonce would be proud to wear.
So the only person that can make me get up and get this Super day going is myself. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Plus, Super Bowl parties are way better than pity parties and traditionally not much crying.
Let's do this.
Until next post –