Sexual Communication

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George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”  Never has this been more apropos than in communicating our sexual desires to our partner. Let’s face it, telling your lover that you would like him to kiss you more gently or maybe even spank you a little harder, can be a bit intimidating, to say the least.  However, letting your partner know what you want and what you enjoy is part of having a healthy and fulfilling sex life.  So unless you want to be pigeonholed into the same kind of sex for the rest of your relationship, take heed fearless women! Here are a few suggestions to lead your partner in the right direction.

The Direct Approach

You might want to begin the conversation by telling him about something that you really like that he or she does (or you two do together) sexually and then suggest the new idea. For instance, “I’ve been thinking about how exciting it is when you give me a little swat on my rear during sex,” then add, “I think I might like it if you wanted to tug at my hair a bit too.”  During sex can also be great time to show your lover what he’s doing that gets your toes curling. A well placed “yes, just like that” or, a simple “I love how you’re moving” will guide him in the right direction. Don’t be shy to express your pleasure. I guarantee this positive reinforcement will not only turn him on but will give him a more specific map of your erogenous zones.

Show, Don’t Tell

Certified Sex Educator and author of How To Be A Great Lover, Lou Paget ( suggests you try doing unto your partner what you would have him do unto you. For example, if his kiss could use some improvement, Lou suggests you start by kissing him the way you like to be kissed, perhaps anchoring your hands seductively on his neck so you can guide him in ways that please you, then ask him “show me what it feels like to be kissed by me.” Or, maybe his touch can be too rough? Feel free to take his hand and direct it in the way that pleases you, giving him approving glances as he follows your lead.  It goes without saying; your positive reinforcement when he successfully mimics your movements will be all the affirmation he needs to happily continue.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Think about it, when you bond with your girlfriends you like to hunker down with a cup of coffee and have an intimate, soul-searching conversation. When men bond with their guy-friends they joke around and do an activity. Why not capitalize on his nature? For instance, if the idea of role-playing gets you going, talking about those fantasies are much easier once you’ve done it. Almost all the men I’ve spoken with LOVE it when a woman shares taking the lead with sex. Start with something fun and sexy you two can chuckle about later. Maybe you have a thing for firemen?  Surprise him by dressing up in red lingerie and fireman’s hat, put on a fake fireplace DVD and coyly ask “Where’s the fire?” Cheesy? Yes. But cheesy can be fun and nothing relaxes people more than a good-natured laugh. Suggest that next time he might play the fireman and “rescue” you (wink-wink). Voila! You’ve shown him your fantasy and basically had a conversation without having a conversation!

Intimate Education

Maybe your newly welled-up sexual desires have to do with being more experimental in the bedroom? Maybe they have to do with creating more intimacy during sex? Ask him to read a book with you that explores your sexuality as a couple. Each night (in bed) you read one or two chapters, discuss them and how they might or might not apply to you and your sex life. This is the perfect opportunity to discuss likes, dislikes and maybe’s. This is a great opportunity to get you BOTH talking about what turns you on, fantasies and techniques you want to try.  Excellent reads to start with are: The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover by David Deida and the aforementioned How To Be A Great Lover by Lou Paget.

Go Lite

Last but not least, try the lighter version of your desire and see how he reacts. If you’re interested in trying a little BDSM, try holding his hands over his head while you’re on top to see if he likes the feeling of surrender. Maybe whip out the sleep mask before you introduce the idea of a blindfold? If he responds positively you can mention that maybe next time he’d like to feel his hands bound by a silk scarf? Leather straps? Handcuffs? Interested in trying Tantra but think he might be intimidated by it’s mystical reputation? What could be more normal than breathing? Look up some simple Tantric breathing exercises and choose one that works for you. Suggest that the two of you do this exercise before foreplay to “get in the zone.” Just by easing an idea into your routine, you might be surprised how eager he’ll be to please and how happy he will be to oblige.

If he’s resistant to any of your ideas, let him know that your only objective is that you might make sex between you two more intense, fun and even more intimate. After all, relationships take work and this is the most scintillating type of “work” your relationship will ever have. Regardless, at the end of the day it’s important to remember that fantasies and exploring your sexual desires are an essential part of a healthy sex life. The  comfort level you have with your own sexuality complements and translates how you are in the bedroom. Respecting and expressing her own needs in a responsible and loving way builds a woman’s sexual confidence. Never forget that YOU are in charge of your own sexuality and you deserve an exciting, sensual and communicative sex life!