I have a question for you. I’m 21 years old and I really need some help when it comes to finding and attracting the right guy for me. My problem is that I am a huge tomboy. I’m not unattractive (blonde hair, blue eyes, in good shape)but I tend to find that guys usually consider me to be “one of the guys” rather than a potential date.
I am around guys almost all the time because I’m an engineering student and fight on my school’s cage-fighting team (neither of which are very girly…I know)Whenever I try to dress up and wear makeup I usually get comments from my teammate’s girlfriends about how I am trying too hard.
The two serious relationships I have had both started with me texting the person for months before we went on a date, that way they would get to know the person I am inside before they were turned off by my jeans and t-shirts and cagefighting scars. But both of those relationships ended with me getting cheated on because I “wasn’t feminine enough.”
I don’t understand how me and my friends who are guys can hang out all the time and have a great time fishing and hunting and working on cars, while they complain about their needy girlfriends. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “more girls should be like you.” But I’m still alone…
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
You didn’t ask me any questions here but I have a couple of thoughts.
First of all, considering where you live (Alaska) you have a rather different situation than most girls who live within the contiguous states. I probably don’t have to tell you that the average male-to-female ratio there is 11:1. The old joke is, “It’s not have you dated her, it’s which number are you?”
The other point is this: the most “feminine” women I know usually started off as tomboys. They get a better sense of what guys want and focus on delivering that. Women who avoid guys when they’re younger often don’t learn those things and tend to cater to other women more than to their own “target markets.”
One of the biggest problems you face is in who your friends are. Because of that ratio I mentioned before you’re far more likely to have male friends and frankly, that works against you. These guys aren’t going to see you as a possible girlfriend simply because of the nature of your relationship. Thus, you need to work on dating outside your circle of friends.
If the majority of your time is spent with these friends you’re not expanding your “sphere of influence” enough to meet the guys you could have a relationship with.
One more important point that I’m seeing today – and it doesn’t matter what tip of the western world we’re talking about:
So much of our current culture is based on two at-odds philosophies. The first is that women are being “empowered” from every corner and in every way. However that empowerment isn’t to become more feminine. It’s to compete with men in masculine things.
I constantly hear women say things like “I can do anything a man can do.” My instant reaction (and I believe that of most men) is this: so what? Being masculine really isn’t that tough when you get right down to it. Now, when you can become a better WOMAN – THEN we have something to talk about!
The other philosophy is to denigrate the value of feminine roles for women (and interestingly, masculine roles for men). Just as your female friends chide you when you try to be more feminine; this happens today at most every level of society! How misguided!
Think about this for a moment; do you really think that men want to have to compete with you to be the masculine energy in any dating or relationship situation with you? Of course not. There’s absolutely no way to win!
If the guy gets more masculine (to counter your attempt at being masculine) he’s looked on by society as brutish, clumsy, overly aggressive and yes, trying too hard (just as you are when you try to be feminine!) If he doesn’t do this, he’s looked on as a ‘pussy’ and has to deal with that issue. As I said, there’s no way to win for that guy.
In most parts of the country single women actually outnumber single men. You have something of a unique situation where you are, but this makes it even more difficult for women who live elsewhere.
There is a way however for you to make all of this work for yourself. First, stop beating yourself up – and letting others do that – when you address your own femininity. Trust me on this: nobody else can do it! Men don’t have that “feminine layer” that you girls have. I don’t care what the misguided, self-serving media wants you to believe. Also, don’t let your girlfriends put you down for it. The reality is, they don’t want the competition either and this is their way of dealing with it.
Next, get outside your current sphere of influence to meet new guys. Your “friends” aren’t going to be a good pool to draw from as they’ve already known you as the other person.
Lastly, think opportunity – not limitation. Your feminine side is far more powerful; and in that way valuable than your masculine side. Focus on your strengths and exploit them to your own – and frankly, any guy’s benefit.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: “BAM! TV” and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: “Being a Man in a Woman’s World I, II & III”