The other night, while having sex, my Portuguese lover told me that it didn’t feel good when I yanked on his cock. I thought that I was being all Dominatrix-like and shit. Never mind that I really don’t know what a Dominatrix truly does. The problem was that I didn’t let my boyfriend know what part I was playing, so he just felt tugged on. He said that there was no build up and that I went from his lips to his shaft. He would’ve liked some soft chest touching and nipple play first.
After six years together, his comments, or criticisms, were perfectly acceptable, although I have to admit, that there was a twinge of bruised ego at play. It’s bad enough when I get haters commenting on my writing in the blogosphere, or complete strangers telling me how I can make a joke funnier after a show, but my lover? In our bed?
I had cast myself in a fantasy porn, where I was having rough anonymous-like sex, whereas my boyfriend thought that he was going to get a soft, sensual, moments-before –falling-asleep-blow job. I understand that this was a communication snafu but it got me thinking about giving and taking criticism in the sex department.
This can be tricky since people are probably at their most vulnerable when being intimate and butt naked. In movies, and television, we often hear one of the two (or three) participants, ask, “How was it for you?” Now if that isn’t a loaded question, I don’t know what is.
Do we want to hear the truth or do we want to hear that we give the best blow jobs ever, or perform earth trembling cunnilingus, fireworks anal, or topnotch lovemaking this side of the Mississippi? Exactly. Not until I met my boyfriend would I even think about giving honest feedback regarding his sex style or performances.
Even constructive criticism can hurt feelings and it can make your partner insecure and inhibited, which isn’t optimal when it comes to sexy stuff. Why is it that when people put ‘constructive’ in front of the word criticism, it gives the criticizer permission to omit a filter and potentially come off as unkind?
I was servicing my boyfriend the other night, when after a few minutes, he told me to stop. He grabbed the wheel and took over, as it were. I didn’t take it personally. Hand jobs aren’t really my thing. However, at the next opportunity, I asked my boyfriend to show me how I could improve on my technique. I want to be better. It didn’t mean that I suck (oh, I suck it, and yes, pun intended) at hand manipulation, it meant that there was room to grow.
We’ve been together for a long time. We’ve learned how to be truthful with one another, and to not take the constructive criticism to mean that someone is unloved, unwanted, wanting someone else, or wanting to end our relationship because I can’t keep both balls in my mouth while licking his shvengali. I sincerely need to up my meds.
You can’t criticize a lover from the get go. You must build a solid foundation where you feel that you’re in a safe place to give and receive honest feedback. If you feel confident in your abilities in the sack, then a little suggestion here and there really shouldn’t rock that foundation.
The other night, I couldn’t climax to save my life. I might have been thinking about whether the new headboard that we ordered was going to be too high, in relation to the side lamps, or it might have been because my lover was moving too slowly. Regardless, my boyfriend couldn’t hold out any longer and orgasmed. I blurted, “That was shitty.” Okay, maybe that was a tad abrupt and harsh. It certainly wasn’t constructive. I took a breath and explained to him why it was shitty. He apologized and promised to take care of me later.
Boom. Done. Finished.