Disconnect To Reconnect

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I was driving my boyfriend and I to a family member’s wedding, when he looked up from his iPad. “Would you ‘do’ her?” Right there, heading South on I-95, he showed me what looked like a menage a trois (I was driving after all, and couldn’t look for long) in a porn movie. He brought up a friggin’ porn on the iPad in the car. Where do I even begin with this?

Firstly, the fact that I actually looked over to see what the hell he was talking about was not safe. Secondly, I answered and told him that I would ‘do’ the chick on the screen and thirdly, we have gone too far with this ability to plug in anywhere.

It used to be the television in the bedroom that was the big taboo, which now looks like child’s play compared to the portability and ease of the iPhones and iPads. According to a 2011 Sleep in America® poll done by the National Sleep Foundation, an alarming six in ten Americans use their personal computer within an hour of going to sleep, and four in ten Americans bring their cell phones or iPads into the bedroom. I was shocked to read that 87% of the people in the same study reported problems falling asleep at night. Really? Say it isn’t so, Joe.

I have been gently telling my boyfriend that the gadgets that he so loves, and their emitting lights, stimulate the brain in a way that messes with the body’s natural rhythms and can affect how well we sleep. I, on the other hand, will wear night shades or cover the front of the DVD player and cable box with an article of clothing to ensure total darkness. Awhile back I wrote about how I thought that television would surely break my  boyfriend and I up.

Disrupted sleep is one thing, but I have to put my foot down when it comes to my sex being disrupted. Call me crazy, but neither Top Chef nor anything on ESPN is going to make me wet. I would think that this fact alone would make men everywhere turn off, shut down and unplug. It doesn’t. Well, at least not all of the time. I know that when my boyfriend closes his iPad or turns off the television, we are more likey to have sex. And then postcoital, I make sure to say, “See what happens when you turn it off?”

Are we so attached to our electronics that we simply cannot go to sleep without checking, just one last time, to see if so and so called, emailed or texted? How important do we think that we are? And who is so and so anyway? I think that for some people it has become an addiction.

I can see, first hand, how allowing technology into the bedroom can, and will, affect one’s intimate relationships. The ability to carry on a conversation, where the people conversing are actually looking into one another’s eyes and not down at a screen, is in jeopardy.

We all know that balance is the key to healthy living. Perhaps setting some boundaries and rules for the bedroom, when it comes to technology, is in order. I’m not one for playing games but what if he’s not getting any until he unplugs, so to speak, so that he can plug me. Did you see what I did there?

-    Watch television in another room, say the living room, and start fooling around there. Once you’re both excited, stumble up to the bedroom. By the time you get between the sheets, and have sex, he will be deliriously satisfied and want to go to sleep.

-    Hide the television remote. When he asks where it is, blame it on the cleaning lady, a child (if you have one) or suck his cock to distract him.

-    The only exception to the television ban watching is watching porn, together, and not in a moving vehicle.

There is a time and a place for everything, and the bedroom is not the place for gadgets, unless it’s of the vibrating kind. The bedroom is for reading, sleeping and fucking. Period.