We’ve all been there with our partners. We get busy, or parenthood has zapped us of any spontaneity, or our careers have us barely eeking out time for even the smallest of meals. All these reasons and more take their toll on our sex lives and even if they don’t, we’ve all experienced at least a small period of humdrum sex. How do we spice it up?
Whether you’ve been with your partner 20 years or 20 minutes, experimenting with a sex toy can bring, at the very least, a little more excitement in bed or at most new pleasures you didn’t know you (or your partner) were capable of. But where do you start? Luckily I’ve tried them all and I can speak from personal experience that the following types of toys brought the most titillation to my trysts.
We all know about vibrators, in fact, some of us consider them our most loyal sexual partners. A vibrator can be one of the simplest and most useful toys in the bedroom. In speaking to Joan Price, an author and advocate for ageless sexuality who literally wrote the book on great sex for “women of a certain age” Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex put it this way “At our age, a well-chosen, well-placed vibrator can mean the difference between an orgasm – and no orgasm. It’s sometimes that simple.”
She’s right. A well-placed Bullet Vibe on your clit should do the trick or, hold it to his “boys” while you pleasure him and watch his eyes roll to the back of his head. For a little extra adventure, play around with voyeurism and exhibitionism and let him watch you pleasure yourself. This is a great way to begin a hot night of passion or just create more intimacy between you two. But, why stop there? Here are some other pleasure products that can rev up an otherwise uninspired libido:
Believe it or not, it’s often the men in our lives that can get a little skittish when it comes to toys, but fear not sexy warrior, Lanae St. John, The MamaSutra has the answer “I like to think of cockrings as a gateway sex toy. Men are often afraid of vibrators, thinking they will somehow be replaced by the toy. If they play with a cockring with their partner, for the first time they can see how fun toys are and how toys just supplement the fun.” Personally, I like Evolved Novelties Boss Cock’s Edition™ pleasure rings as they give a nice vibration to both lovers during sex. The vibration stimulates the clitoris (as well as his member) while making love, granting those women (like me) who orgasm best with clitoral stimulation better able to achieve climax during intercourse. The Boss Cock was the first cock ring I tried with my partner, as I wanted to be able to orgasm while he was inside me. I knew I was hooked when we were actually able to come at the same time, a rare but nice surprise for both of us. This cock ring became a staple in our lovemaking repertoire.
Another favorite of mine is the butt plug. This is often a scary item for most people making their first foray into sex toys as it seems taboo or dirty, but let me demystify it for you. First of all, the same nerve endings that inhabit the vagina and cervix also extend to the anus. Though we are all different as snowflakes, this is why some women can find anal stimulation extremely pleasurable. For men, a butt plug (especially one that’s curved) can stimulate the man’s prostate, which, during sex can be very delightful, to put it mildly. Sex Educator, Sunny Megatron puts it this way, “Butt plugs are great tools for enhancing orgasms. I’m one of those women who don’t climax easily. The addition of a butt plug often gives me the extra stimulation I need to push me over the edge. Anal stimulation can turn your average, so-so orgasm into an earth-shattering event. This isn’t only true for women, men can also benefit from anal stimulation and fullness during sex.” Right on, Sunny! I have found this to be true for me as well. If I’m having difficulty coming in ways I’m used to, the addition of a butt plug is all I need to make me scream in delight.
My advice is to start out slow. When looking for a butt plug, I suggest purchasing a slimmer, silicone plug, making certain it has a flanged end and definitely, always employ silicone safe lube. I absolutely love, The Slim by Tantus – it’s the perfect beginner size. Or if he’s feeling adventurous, a curved, vibrating prostate massager like the ProTouch from Tantus is a great choice as it comes with a removable bullet vibe for the plug or for the clit … however you enjoy it best. When I used a curved plug with my partner for the first time, he was able to achieve an orgasm so intense, he talked about it for days after and couldn’t wait to try anything else I suggested. The butt plug really is the gift that keeps on giving.
Another item I enjoy is a simple blindfold. It’s amazing what happens when you take visual stimulation out of the equation. Suddenly, your other senses are heightened and you are left wondering what he or she might touch or do next. If the blindfold goes well, try taking some satin ribbon and tying his hands together so he can’t touch you until you decide. Allowing your partner to pleasure you in unexpected ways while you are at his or her behest, requires the utmost trust. This is a great exercise in building a new level of intimacy between the two of you that you might not otherwise have tried. Sex toys in the bedroom are a fun and exciting way to make old experiences new again, but building a deeper intimacy between the two of you will be the gift that keeps your spark alive way after the batteries go dead.
Writer, speaker and sex-positive activist, Lady Cheeky (Elle Chase) curates a popular, feminist, sensual images blog www.LadyCheeky.com, focusing on photos depicting real desire and passion with a strong emphasis toward positive body image. Her sister site, www.SmutForSmarties.com, is a sex-positive, editorial and literary companion where one can find tales of erotic indulgence, sex education, articles on current issues regarding sexuality/sensuality and personal essays related to sex. Her writing has been featured in a multitude of online publications including Evolved World, The Frisky, Corset Magazine and her erotica was most recently included in Rachel Kramer Bussel’s erotic anthology The Big Book of Orgasm: 69 Sexy Stories (Cleis Press, October 2014).