She’s beautiful, sweet and the picture of your perfect woman. What could possibly go wrong? Plenty! Every relationship is loaded with unexpected drama, challenges and roadblocks. Some of these come about by accident, some on purpose.
Men face an almost unlimited number of problems in their relationships with women. Then, we often make things worse by committing simple, avoidable mistakes. Most of these mistakes occur because we’re not prepared to deal with the problems we are given. Being ready when they come is 90% of the battle.
In this 3-part series I’m going to explore some of these problems and (if you’re good!) maybe some ways to help deal with and manage them. You’re not going to ever have a problem-free relationship; and in fact, I’d never wish that on you anyway. When things are good, you’re never growing. It’s when things get challenging that all that (painful) improvement happens.
So, let’s get started with…
You can think of this as “drama on purpose”. Why would someone create a relationship problem on purpose? This seems ridiculous to most men. However, women have learned their “dream man” can handle these problems – accidental or purposeful. When problems arise, you want to be the guy that deals with them quickly and effectively. If you don’t you’ll quickly fall into the “also ran” category.
Women create drama for a number of reasons: boredom, feeling insecure, needing attention, acting out unresolved tensions and yes, even fun! In fact, one of my clients told me specifically that creating drama (or “crazy-making”) was a form of recreation for her!
Dealing with drama is confusing to men. We don’t tend to be drama-oriented. Thus, we try to attack it like any other problem. The trick however is to “see through” the drama and to understand why it’s happening. What’s the root cause of this event? Why is this happening right here, right now?
Once you understand that you can go after and deal with the real problem – not the one that was artificially created! Women hate it when men don’t “listen” (their words – meaning “understand what she really wants and why she wants it”) and instead go right to trying to solve the problem.
She wants you to know that the source of the drama – not to try to fix it. Yes, I understand that seems like mind-reading and sometimes it is! The more you practice seeing through the drama to the real problem, the easier it gets – and the happier she’ll be! Soon, that purposeful drama fades away to nothing.
This Woman’s Crazy!
To men, all women seem crazy sometimes. In fairness, most women view men as crazy sometimes too! There is a fine line between a crazy event and a crazy person however. Even sane people do or say crazy things once in a while. The real trick is recognizing the difference!
I have an adage that I live by: I ignore any neurotic statement made by normal people and ANY statement made by neurotic people!
Know this: unless you’re a trained psychological professional, you’re not going to be able to save a crazy woman. If you are a professional, you’ll know better than to try! (You’d be far too close to the game to do any good.) In general, you’re better leaving this one alone and moving on.
Most of the time, she will begin to see the two of you as a monogamous couple before you will. This is fine unless you just met “Ms. Stripper.” Further, this usually happens without any previous warning – no discussion, no agreement, just the expectation of monogamy. Now, you’re taken by surprise and don’t know what to do.
Where this takes a nasty turn is the instant she realizes you’re not on the same page. You’re not going to like the answer to this, but it’s pretty simple: communication. By being clear, specific and direct early on about your interests, you’ll avoid a lot of problems down the road.
Women have a special tool in their arsenal I call “The Test” that they use to evaluate a potential mate. I’ll discuss “The Test” in an upcoming article. Suffice it to say that men often misinterpret “The Test” as a game. It really is a type of game – but with a very important outcome.
How you deal with The Test may determine the outcome of your relationship. At the very least, it will set the tone and direction from this point on.
Outside of this critical relationship-based event (and trust me on this: you will be tested!) there are many other games women play.
You see, women know they aren’t going to get you to do what they want through brute-force. Instead, they’ve evolved a complicated system of tools to make things happen. These are so ingrained in the female psyche by the way that most women don’t even know they’re doing these things!
Ex-Husbands And Boyfriends
You’ve been dating this woman for a few months, and all of a sudden her ex is back in the picture. If she has children, you may have no other option but to deal with their father. On the other hand, if she is childless, why is the ex hanging around? You have the right to grow your relationship with her without undue influence or competition.
Keep in mind that women rarely go looking for additional confusion like this unless they aren’t getting what they need. This should be a sign to step-up your game.
There you are, enjoying the game with your buddies when the doorbell rings. You answer and it’s her – the girl you just started dating. You weren’t ready to introduce her to your friends yet, but here she is! Now, you’ve got a problem. If you let her in, you’re going to appear controlled by her to your friends, (this is often the goal!) If you send her away, won’t she be angry? Heads up: your friends have the right to your time and attention just like your new gal.
Even worse, your friends have no idea what the situation between you and the new girl is. Thus, they’re going to be overly polite and will likely even take her side if she draws them into things.
What I do is this: I invite her in specifically to say “hello” and then to leave so I can call her later. I’ll say to my friends, “This is Karen. She’s not staying but just wanted to say hello.” This tells everyone what’s going on. I’ll then say to her, “Thanks for coming over. I’ll call you later.” And then walk her back to the door.
When The Rules Change
Everything was going great. You’ve been dating for a few months, the sex is terrific, and you’ve even introduced her to your friends. Now, she calls and tells you that she thinks you both should date other people.
Or, you’ve always exchanged telephone calls and texts. Now, you’ve called her twice and texted her but she won’t return the calls. However, everything else is going fine! What’s up?
Or, you’ve been dating for about 6 months and when you first got together, you were banging it out every night. Now, you’re down to once or twice a month or less and you’re getting more and more frustrated!
Obviously something’s up and you need to address it. (Again, communication). If she won’t return your calls or texts, it may be impossible to do that. In a case like that I recommend you send her one more text indicating it will be your last and if you don’t hear from her you’ll consider yourself free.
In other cases the most common problem is simply that guys don’t realize they have rights – not just responsibilities – in relationships! I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve talked to who spend all their time dealing with their girlfriends’ or wives’ rights only to ignore their own!
This often comes down to having basic “standards” for yourself. Knowing what you want and what you expect becomes the foundation of not only keeping your own rights but in managing these rule changes.
For example, if the sex drops off in your relationship and you’re not happy with it (and why would you be?) it’s something that needs to be dealt with. Why is it happening? You don’t have to just tolerate it and put on that stupid grin you use! Is it a health problem? Is it emotional? The source of this problem can be easily handled if so. If not and it’s a performance or quality issue you have a different situation on your hands. This is where your rights come into play.
I had a guy contact me once because his wife of 11 years decided that she was going to become celibate (I kid you not!) and wanted to know what to do.
I explained to him about his rights and told him to talk to his wife with that new concept. If she chose to be celibate there wasn’t much he could do for her, but that didn’t mean he had to be celibate along with her! She was also going to have to understand that if he met someone else and fell in love that she would bear the burden of the divorce – not him. That turned things around pretty quickly!
In the next articles we’ll look at a few other types of problems men face and how to handle them.
Have a love, dating, sex or relationship question? You can write to me or get more information about “Being a Man in a Woman’s World tm” by going to: http://BeingAMan.com. Follow me on Facebook (http://tinyurl.com/cas4w9) and Twitter (http://tinyurl.com/d3pecs).
Copyright (c) 2013, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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