How To Ask Your Man For What You Want

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I’m getting pretty good at it.

Granted, I’ve been at it for over 15 years, practicing asking for what I want with the same guy.

A guy who I know wants to give me what I want. That makes it easier.

But it is still not easy and several times a week I have that feeling that we all know so well. That feeling of dissatisfaction. That “coulda/woulda” feeling, I call it.

If I coulda asked him for what I wanted, I woulda felt a whole lot better.

Grammar aside – you know what I am saying.

So how to remove the blocks?

It’s practice.

It takes 10,000 hours of practice to make you an expert at something. Start logging your hours now so hopefully you can be an expert at asking for what you want before you die. Ha.

Start Small

“I’m going to go get the cream. Would you rub my feet for 5 minutes while I watch The Bachelor?” See how that goes.

You might have to amend it:  “Also, you are not allowed to make fun of me for watching The Bachelor while you are rubbing my feet.”
Work your way up from there.

Start asking for things. What’s the worst that can happen? He’ll say no.

But here’s the thing – he probably won’t. He’ll probably say yes. Because if he is a guy worth your time, he wants to give you what you want.

I actually learned all this from my boyfriend. We have been together since I was 23 and I turn 40 on Saturday. In the early days, our relationship was a clusterfuck of miscommunication. We wound up in couple’s therapy after only a few weeks. He had jealousy issues. I had a need for a lot of attention from a lot of guys.

This combination does not a healthy relationship make.

One day in therapy, he says to me “You never tell me I am good looking.” I was appalled! Aghast! I didn’t?!? To this day, he is the hottest guy I know. I was bowled over by his handsomeness!!! And I never told him? I couldn’t believe it.

“I think it all the time!” I told him.

“Say it,” he said.

“Well now I feel like a loser saying it – just because you told me too.”

“It will feel good to hear it, even if I asked you to say it.”


“I think you are the most gorgeous man I have ever seen.”

He smiled.

It didn’t matter that he had asked me. He got what he wanted and it felt good to both of us. It sounds small now – but it was a Eureka! moment for us. I guess this is what I mean by starting small.

Now on a regular basis I say things like:

“I need you to surprise me with a wildly romantic gesture at some point over the next 72 hours.”

And he does.

And it doesn’t make the gesture any less wildly romantic because I have asked him to do it.  It makes it even better. The people who love us want to give us what we want.

We should all tattoo that on our foreheads so we don’t forget.

Follow Kathryn Winslow @kathrynwinslow and