A Q & A with Dr. Dennis Neder
I’m 35 and started dating after a year-long hiatus earlier this year. I’ve gone out with a couple of guys so far, all of them younger. I’ve noticed that they LOVE texting, but rarely ask me out.
The latest guy is 29, and we went on our first date last Friday. We had a great time (mini golf and dinner – and he was funny and sweet). Since then we have not talked, but we text almost every day. It’s usually stuff like “Have a great day,” or “how’s it going?” We’ve also had some conversations via text (like “what is on your bucket list?”). He works in phone sales, and says he isn’t big on talking on the phone. That is fine, but I am old fashioned and like to get to know someone in person.
How do I get him to go out on date #2 with me? Should I just ask him? How do I do it? What should I say the next time he texts? I might need to date older men, but I’ve heard from my friends, that they are just as fond of texting as the young ones!
There’s nothing “old fashioned” about not wanting to hold your dates via text. In fact, texting KILLS OFF relationships! I see it literally every single day. If you want things to die a slow, painful death between you and this (or any) guy, just keep up the texting. You’ll see what I mean very shortly.
Here’s the problem:
1) Texting is lazy. It takes absolutely no effort to create a 140-character message to someone.
2) Second, it’s way, way too safe. You take absolutely no risks by texting.
3) It has no particular connotation and thus, you get to “play date” with it while nobody exposes their hands.
4) While not exposing your hand, you’re also not moving anything anywhere!
5) Relationships are based on emotional connection. Texting strips away any emotional context and just keeps things on a fact-basis. Thus, instead of connection and getting closer, the opposite happens.
6) Texting (and technology in general) actually speeds up the dating cycle. That’s not a good thing because, while you may be in touch every day, you are only reacting to specific queries or messages, rather than managing a range of experiences generated by one on one contact.
7) Texting is artificial and your subconscious mind knows it. Thus, you begin to develop a sense of everything about him being artificial. I’ve seen people treat others in ways that they’d never imagine themselves doing! After all, this isn’t a “real person” anyway! It’s just words on your phone screen.
..and on and on and on…
You’ve got to get off this texting thing! If this guy doesn’t know any better (and trust me, he doesn’t) you’ve got to “help” him. Do that by telling him that you no longer want to communicate via texts. If he’s going to be 10 minutes late, that’s one thing. If he’s going to try to set up a date or express his feelings to you that’s entirely another.
You can certainly ask him out yourself – as long as you don’t do it via texts. It’s ok that he doesn’t want to talk on the phone. That helps to keep things short and to the point. You can call him and just say, “Ok, it’s time we get off the mobile network and back into real life. I’m available on Saturday…”
Frankly, you’re right! If he’s so caught up in technology and can’t connect in real life on a solid, emotional plane, he’s not old enough for you!
Hold your dates in person – not via technology!
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